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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : November 2005 : Killing Love....

Killing Love....

I have been doing what I tell people to do when they are depressed.

Distraction!

Somewhere many years ago, I read that when someone is troubled, or having problems with something in their life that seemingly obsesses them, that distracting yourself is the way to break that obsession. What the article suggested was to get a small piece of paper and then to write down the 5 happiest moments of your life. Carry that paper with you everywhere. When the thoughts or depression came upon you then you would pick one of the five items and concentrate on that memory, reliving each instant of it. And the task was to try and remember one simple thing you forgot about that time. Maybe a picture on the wall, or a smell in the air, or something said or done that had slipped back into the depths of ones mind. The end result is that when you succeeded in capturing that lost fact, you would actually feel happy and excited about something lost, then found again. And with it dealing with a happy moment, you would come out of what was bothering you.

Well I tried it. And found that for me it works! I usually am so happy that I remembered more of that special event, that it breaks the thought or depression that I was in for the time being.

Recently I have been trying to kill love. A love within me so deep and so ingrained, one that when it was reciprocal was so filling, so inspiring.. But she is gone now and has been for over a year. But the love is there still, as strong as ever, as powerful and always reminding me that I am alone. It is a certain type of hell that few can understand, especially for one that believes our whole purpose here is to learn and seek our one great love.

I try to be thankful about the fact that I have had two. Both lasted a couple of years. I always felt different, and I know I love differently; very deeply and very dedicated. Total absorption in the success of my others life and their happiness, all the while never giving my own dreams and goals up is how I love. And it is so filling when you have a partner that is doing the same for you.

Now life is waning for me. I lose hope that I will ever experience that again. At this point in my life, I am content in all ways, but have little peace with this love still so alive within.

So today I work hard on killing love. I am not doing well at this task, but I warily try.

At times I am not sure that I do want to succeed, for what happens to that vast void? Maybe pain of lost love, and unrequited love is better than emptiness. If I succeed, and it is nothing but a void within, will I be better off?

This is one of the few things that I admire in my father. He has managed to live almost 50 years alone, and not once has ever said anything about being lonely or loneliness. He has not dated, or ever spoken of missing having a person in his life. I have no concept how he or others do it.

I wish I had some of that for the rest of my days here.