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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : November 2005 : Thanksgiving eve

Thanksgiving eve

My neighbors to the North are going away and will return late Friday night. They are good, religious people, who have what I never did, a wonderful loving close family. All of them are merging for Thanksgiving. It is what family is all about. When I was young, amidst the abuse of my family, I often hung around people that had close happy families and would daydream of their adopting me. Well my neighbors are the model of what I had always dreamt would be my life. Love, many children, and a family full of celebration and traditions.

I asked them why they were returning so early and was told because of the need to clean up the pine straw.

I knew then what I would be doing tomorrow. Raking my neighbors pine straw and discarding it. Why? It is simply a way to say thanks to people that have been so kind to me. But the truth is that there is much return in doing unexpected things for good people.

Five years ago, I would never have been able to imagine that in the future I could ever do anything like this. For back then my muscles had atrophied, I fell often, even using a walker and life was a litany of pain. Despair was all I ever felt. And if I had not the dogs as a reason, I would have certainly ended my life.

Much has happened in five years. A lot of it took work and perseverance. Some of it was truly gifts from god. At my last doctors appointment, my doctor shook his head and commented how wonderful I was doing. And admitted that five years ago he was not sure I was going to make it.

In five years, I have gotten to walk unaided again. I have good pain management. I have learned to love birds. I have gotten into photography. I have loved and lost. I have so many new friends and people in my life. I have much reason to rise and great the day. Even though the physical and emotional pain is crippling, I refuse to let totally ruin my life. My life is like I am, not perfect. This is no story book ending that is for sure.

So as I rake, I will be thankful that I can.

It has been a hard day today, and it takes real effort to stay on the course of living positively. I remind myself that tomorrow will be better.. I miss the woman I love so. I miss the affection, the long talks, her laughter.. It is so very hard at times to find reason in the insanity of life. The body hurts and reminds me of what I am no more. I have many reasons to be angry, surly and hateful of life. It was a way I lived for 7 years.

If all I think about is the bad in my life, I will become angry and festering. Each time I stray to the negative, I simply remember when I had so much less. I am humbled, and the issues do not go away or are cured, but they become not the focal point. There are two ways to live ones life - around what we have. Or around what we do not have. Positive or negative. Thankfully or coveting. I have found that the first is the easiest.

We all have so much to be thankful for. People always want to be happy. Part of the road to happiness is being thankful not one day a year, but all the time.

Every day should be Thanksgiving day - too bad we have to have a holiday to accent what should obviously be the way we live and celebrate life..