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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : December 2005 : It is a question I will never have to ask.

It is a question I will never have to ask.

The Christmas cards are all mailed. The gifts ordered and sent. The prisoners each have a money order on the way - Christmas is covered..

It is a hard season for many, myself being one of them. Alone is a horrible way to spend this time of love and communion but it is all that I have. Of course there are the dogs, and I will break my non drinking life and have some gin during the holidays. But as for celebrations there will be none.

I always dreamt of a family, one of my own and of children and gifts and traditions and of a warm and loving season shared and filled with joy and thanks. And if I have any regrets it is that I never did have that family, or the chance to have those dreams and the memories that would have resulted. Christmas does mean so much more when one is not alone.

Why am I alone? I ask this often of myself. Is it that I am abnormal? I do care for people, I am giving, I have a sense of humor, I am intelligent, and I did have a good job and income. I live life fearlessly and am not afraid to take chances with my heart or my life. Why then did the right woman not come along? Or is it more about me? I know I cannot call myself normal. I have never felt that way, always that I was a little different from everyone else. Maybe it is because of the early trauma, or that I grew up too fast. Maybe it was because of the people I chose to associate with? I can say that I have been in many different types of social settings and felt at home in none of them. I did well in all of them simply because of my gregarious external shell, but none were home.

I remember at work, wearing suits and ties, thinking how freaked people would be if they ever saw the tattoos under the clothes or the history of the man that lead them. Out of work I felt guilty for the money I made and the position I held in a fortune 100 company with the people of the streets and the underworld that I usually found comfort with. Each side never saw me as truly one of them.

I have often felt that not only was I out of place, but I was out of place in time. I should have been alive in the 1800's in a small town in Nevada. I admire the families of those times. They relied on each other, and survived because of each other working for the good of the family. Times were harder, but times were better. Its an odd thing the fact that when things are not easy people are closer. Struggle and work unifies. Today in this world we work to make things easier so we can have more leisure yet families fail and kids are irresponsible, spoiled and most without goals or dreams. There certainly is a correlation to ease of life and the bonds within a family.

Back in the days of the west, Christmas was clothing, maybe a doll, or a book. If a son was lucky he got a rifle, and was expected to use that to hunt and provide food with. Kids had chores, went to school, and spent the majority of the time with family. Without much for distraction families had to learn to amuse each other, and interact with each other for their recreation. The bonds were closer. The individual was in tune to the needs and success of the family.

Today both kids and adults are more in tune with what each wants for themselves. Today, with TV kids learn to interact with TV or how ever their favorite character does in the show. It is something done with them and the TV. Not the family. It is simply not a real relationship. It does not ready them for life either socially or as a real life experience.
Today many kids get more in allowance in a week than I got in a year in the 1960's. And I had things my allowance depended on, like trash, and grass and dishes. If something were not done, money was deducted. Allowance to kids today is a right, not an earned privilege. Money is not based on responsibilities or work.

Then there are the parents of these kids.

I guess my second biggest regret that I had in my life were with the "hippies" of my days. They sure spoke a good philosophy. Of giving and of love and acceptance. But as they became socialized and money oriented they forgot the words that they avowed to live by. They became what they swore they would never. Where is the love they swore to show the world? Where is the anti materialistic views? Where is the change to the world they swore to enact? Where is the sense of family that they acclaimed to have with the world and the people that inhabit it, whether friend or stranger? Where is the personae that would give the material things they had willingly and freely to others?

I too joined society. But I did it differently. Maybe that is the cause for my own isolation now. I did not care about what I owned. I chose to still care about man and strangers. I still tried to live up to the words of my youth, not rescind them through my actions. I was a hippie in that corporate suit. I did my job, but I never sold my words of the 1960's out. I still care about and love people, nature, the earth and the spirit I call god. I will always make sure to give more than I take.

I look to my old classmates.. I see prosperous and wealthy people. I see the material possessions and the need to be in style. I see the need to be politically correct to be liked. I hear their hollow laughter. I see empty soulless shells walking down the predefined roads. I see death that still breathes. I see smiling people, totally unhappy and surviving without passion or life within them.

I never want to be that.

Maybe that is why I ended up alone and without family..

I guess the price was too much for me.. I am not good about selling my words and beliefs for the acceptance of society. Like me for my heart. Love me for my soul. If alone is worse than my old friends are, then I am glad to be worse off. In the end, I am sure the peace that I have within, is the reward of my life.

One day many will look back and say "my god, what happened? Where did I lose myself?" Then they realize that they lost the meaning and values of life. Then they face the fact that in the end, they took more than they gave, from everything and every one. Surrounded by their misery and material possessions they realize the true price of life.

It is a question I will never have to ask.