Why Home
By Month
Musings
Links To Other Great BLOGS!
Click the Box to Email Me!

--------------------------------- Tell Others About This Site!

Subscribe / Unsubscribe

DaRk AnGel : Why Home : December 2005 : The one man I almost killed.

The one man I almost killed.

There is an event that caused one of the most beautiful periods of my life to end quickly and in ugly anger and violence. Unexpected change of life. One of the few that made everything I thought different in a second. One so powerful that there was no going back to the way that things were after all the cards were played out. It caused my loss of something I sought all of my life, the feeling of family. Actually in retrospect I caused the loss.. But I was so angry and hurt, and if I had not been stopped I am sure I would have spent many years confined for my actions.

Renee was a free soul.. She loved me.. And I loved her. She was not a pretty woman, not thin, not at all what any man would lust for just on sight seen. But she was the most sensuous woman I ever have been around. A beautiful soul lay deep within her that demonstrated itself through her smile and eyes. Once seem she became someone that enchanted many men and women alike. For two years she was a part of my life and every minute that she was - was full.

I forget why, but I had been gone for a bit. I tend to think my mother might have been having one of her flare ups and I had gone home to spend time with her.

Upon my return, I knew immediately that something was wrong. Renee still smiled, still said she loved me, and claimed nothing had changed. But much had. The intensity of her was gone. She went through all the motions that she used to, but something had put out the fire in her soul.

I questioned often and the more I did, the more it seemed that she became irritable. There was a secret being hidden. One that hurt her so, and one that made me want to hold and console her, but also withdraw and put up walls in case the secret might be one that would cause me pain. I never knew how bad it was.

At that time there were two dozen or so people living in the commune. Six guys and the rest girls. I went to each at one time or another asking them if they had seen anything or knew anything that might have occurred while I was gone that might have affected Renee or maybe how she felt about her and I. No one knew anything and each seemed concerned. One guy Benny who I had not really been that close to hugged me and told me that he was there for me if I ever needed to talk. I remember that moment, because I was touched by this offer. Benny was someone who did the work required of all of us, yet kept to himself mostly. His reaching out to me I saw as an unselfish gesture.

I guess it was about three weeks after I returned that it all came to a head. I came back from work and Renee was packing. She was surrounded by sadness. The light in her eyes and smile gone. I watched as she packed. I asked why? Was it me? Had I done something wrong. She affirmed that I was a happy part of her life, but that she just had to move on. She told me she was going to go back to her home in Tampa and would be back one day.

I was sitting there just totally in shock. I did not want to lose her. Nor did I want the secret to be something that hung over my head for the rest of my life. I have never been much good with "what if's" and this was one that would haunt me.. I grabbed her arms and pulled her next to me on the bed, Sitting there facing her, I told her that I refused to let her go like this. That I needed to know what had changed her so. I told her I had a right to not wonder the rest of my life if I had done something to hurt her. I was pretty upset. And I was adamant. Soon we both were crying.

Renee looked at me through the tears and told me.. Something that hurt me so deeply.. Something that filled me with much rage and anger. I had a night stick that was given to me, and I grabbed it and amidst her tears Renee pleaded with me to not do what I was about to, but I was out the door..

I as I entered the hall I ran into Benny. I guess the anger and rage in me startled him as his eyes grew wide and he stammered something to the effect of what is wrong. It was the last words he said to me.. I hit him so hard, I felt the side of his face cave in. His blood splattered on me and on the wall and he fell limply. But I did not stop, I swung that nightstick over and over.. I kicked him in the head as hard as I could. I wanted to see the last breathe come from within him. I literally beat him down the flight of stairs that led into the street. By the time I was on the sidewalk with him, the rest of the commune was climbing all over me trying to get me under control. Finally the sheer numbers of them, as well as my exhaustion, caused me to release the weapon and climb back up the stairs.

I never saw Benny again after that. I think even now, I would try to kill him if I were to run into him. He never came back around for his personal stuff after a lengthy hospital stay.

Renee left. And I did see her one more time, months later. She had changed forever. The beauty that once emanated from her was replaced with sadness. She never spent any real amount of time in New Orleans while I was there after that. I doubt she has been back since in all of these years.

Some of the anger I had was towards her. That she did not tell me at once. That she did not call me and tell me. She said in her defense that she was protecting me, knowing exactly what I would do. She was right. I did what she knew I would.

I do not regret my actions. I would not regret it if Benny had died. I hope he has had a miserable life, full of pain and anguish. He stole something precious from a beautiful soul.

While I was gone, Renee who love to dance, had gone out with some of the people from the house. They had done this many times. Usually they went to the gay bars where the males loved to dance with them, but never hit on them. This night they had had fun, had drinks, caught a buzz and came home. Renee climbed into our bed and was half asleep when she felt a hand over her mouth. Benny told her he was on PCP and that he had the strength of 10 men and he would kill her if she made any noise. He then raped her.

Not long after I left the commune. The memories of Renee were too much for me in that room and that house.

It had been a beautiful time of my life.. A time where I lived with a group of people that I loved and loved me in return - the second and last time in my life where I felt I was part of a family. Adding to the closeness was the fact that we were dedicated to community service running a free clinic and a crisis intervention center.

I hope that the years have been good to Renee. She sure deserves a good life. I miss her smile, her laugh and her eyes. I miss the soul within that enchanted many. I hate that the event that occurred did. It robbed her of her freedom, as it does so many women.

Once trust is wounded in the way that it was, every stranger becomes a possible rapist. The openness and love she gave freely was irrevocably changed. She did not deserve what befell her that night.

Renee I love you, wherever you are.. I am sorry that happened to you.. I only wish that I had been there to prevent it.

I hope you forgive me.