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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : December 2005 : Happy Birthday to my ex wife - The greatest gift I ever really gave you was that lie.

Happy Birthday to my ex wife - The greatest gift I ever really gave you was that lie.

Today is my ex wife's birthday..

Funny that this day is always full of melancholy for me. I actually miss her friendship, one that I intentionally ended. My loss of her friendship is due to my knowingly causing it.

We met in 1986 on her father's birthday. He was a friend that I never even knew had a daughter. She walked up to us as we sat by the pool drinking beer. It was Sunday morning and she was stopping by to wish him happy birthday on her way to church.

Charles introduced her. They talked for a second and she was gone. Maybe there for five minutes tops. It was one of the times that god spoke clearly to me. I tried to not listen, but it was useless.

I turned to Charles and told him, "I am going to marry your daughter."

He laughed nervously and informed me that she was engaged and had been with the same man for 8 years, since high school. I reiterated my statement.

It was not a premonition. It was a fact. I knew it and did not doubt for a second that I had met the woman I was meant to marry. This has happened several times in my life. Something inside me knows something that will occur. It is not something I usually talk about, as I am never sure what or when a message will be given to me. Heck if it were something I control I would use it to generate money and then save the world from poverty!

The next day I returned from work and in the pool on a raft was Angela, Charles' daughter. I offered her a coke, we talked and talked and talked and 8 months later we were married.

Angela was a gift. She was a good woman, one who took things as they came, and one that was not driven by money or material things. I was a work-a-holic, and she was impulsive. Friday would come around and I would be planning to work but she would drag me off camping or fishing or to Mardi Gras parades. She was what I so needed in my life at that time.

Angela also knew instantly. Her presence in the pool was the first time she had ever used it. I had lived there for five years, her father even longer, and never had she used the pool. She admitted she was there that day, hoping that I would come by. There was not a day after that that I did not see Angela. She too knew that we were going to be married that day. It was the only time she has ever had something like this come into her, and calmly know it was something that was going to be.

We moved to Florida right after the marriage. She knew I could make more money elsewhere and I actually let her pick the state. Bliss lasted a week or so after the wedding. She had never lived away from her family, and she had a huge family in Baton Rouge. One that was so large that she never really had to make friends outside of the family. Soon the woman that said she would be happy anywhere her husband was, was telling me I was the person that had ruined her life. For two years I lived under that pressure, the pressure of proving myself with a new job, and trying to get my life to settle into one of calm.

I made a choice in 89 that resulted in our moving to Shreveport. I had this inane idea that we were a family unit, and that I should be her main family. But to give our marriage a chance, I knew we had to be near enough that she could go home when she wanted. There was a tie to her mother that would never be broken. And in actuality something her father had said before we were married was prophecy; "you are marrying the family."

Angela seemed happy here at first. But then it became urgent for her to get an education. She saw the money I was now making and I think she wanted to make the same. So I put her through nursing school. I cooked, cleaned, took care of everything during those years. I wanted her to get the most out of her education that she could.

When school was out, I was more than ready for a life that was shared and static. A lot suffered while she was in school. She was not a quick learner so all of her waking time seemed to be spent studying. I was lonely a lot of those days, but felt it selfish of me to interfere in her education. I do admit that I admired the effort that she had to make to accomplish her goals.

What I thought would occur after school was not what did occur. She got a good job and all she did was work and sleep. She contributed nothing to the house, in terms of upkeep or chores. She expected that she still be treated as if she were in college. I became resentful. She would work as often as she could and I found myself doing all the cooking, shopping, house upkeep - inside and out, automotive care, pet care, - everything. We never went out or to festivals or just did things with friends. If she were not working, she was asleep.

What I had not noticed over the years was that she was becoming, what I was. A type A personality, one driven and one focused on only what was in front of them. What was now the only thing Angela seemed to care about was the size of her paycheck. After many months of living like roommates it was something she once kidded me about that called the end to our marriage.

She had always kidded me about making lists. It was true. But now there were two lists on our coffee table. Hers and Mine, and nothing was ever common between the two of them. In school was the first time she ever made a list and soon after had a constant one.

In 1996 the divorce was final. We remained friends. She moved back to Baton Rouge to be near her Mother yet still came to see me on weekends, which was a 4 hour drive each way. I did enjoy seeing her, and now without the roles of husband and wife, we were again reviving our friendship. I never figured out why it took the divorce and her moving away to make her want to spend time with me recreationally.

In 1997 she was here over labor day weekend, and that previous week I had had a moment of clarity that was going to cost me our friendship. I guess I knew it earlier but was selfish in enjoying the time she spent here. She was hoping for reconciliation. The cold and hard facts were that I no longer had any feelings for her. Too little too late - I had tried for 8 years to make our union a family. It never occurred. I was the one that forced us into counseling. I was the one that never wanted to break the vows that I took so seriously. I was the one that did what had to be done to keep the house going. If only years later she had given more..

The week before labor day I realized that her weekend jaunts were doing neither of us much good. Sure I liked her company, but she was young and needed to get on with her life. All the visits were doing was stalling the inevitable hurt of the end. We still had not been apart for more than a five days. We had never had sex after the divorce, I just did not allow it to occur. In fact I had told her over and over that we would never be more than friends. Even though she said she believed the same, her actions were not behind the words.

After Angela left that weekend, I soon wrote her and told her I had found someone I was interested in. I have not heard from her since. I am sure that it hurt her. But it was a decision I had to make. It was a lie that was told to free her.

I hate lying. I hate dishonesty. That lie was one of the hardest things for me. But it was the way to assure she would move on. It was the only thing that I knew would cause her to give up hope.

So Angela, I know you will never see this.. Happy Birthday, you are in my thoughts.. and this year as every year, I hope you are happy and have found what you so deserve in your life.. Thank you ,Angela, for being a part of my life. Thanks for the fun and laughter we had prior to marriage. Thanks for so very much.

The greatest gift I ever really gave you was that lie.