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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : December 2005 : Reflection on Fear

Reflection on Fear

I write prisoners as a hobby. It is something I started in 1996 when I was needing to do something for others but my time was limited. Each one has taught me something, and I hope to inspire them to a better life. We both benefit. [I do state here as I do each time I write about them, that this is not something I recommend for everybody. Many prisoners make a living preying on the desperate and lonely. ]

Anyways, today when I went to get the mail eight out of ten of them had managed to get their letters to me on this day. I spread out writing hoping that this exact thing does not happen, but today it did.

As I sat out back reading their letters, there was the common theme of holiday depression, separation from family friends and loved ones. It is a hard season for someone who is not free. What makes it harder on me is that I am also a person that suffers the holidays. So when I write to them, I cover my own feelings and depression hoping to be support for them.

After I finished reading the last letter, I could not help but think how lucky I am that I was free to go to Wal Mart today. Free to go and walk. Free to go to the Casino Sunday and make my yearly donation. I could never survive in confinement.

Then the phone rang. It was one of those friends that call only when they need to find someone to listen. I sat and listened to the latest drama, all the time thinking, how horribly this person allows her life to be. Then it dawned on me that she was a prisoner as well. A prisoner to her own fears. When given advice, she replies "I' can't" but really is saying "I won't".

I listened to her for about an hour until her husband arrived home from work.

After the call I could not help but think of all the people I know who live a safe life. One without passion, or fulfillment, like a zombie doing the same things week in and week out. One where change is an enemy and other peoples opinions are the ruler of normalcy and success. People for the most part are limited by their fears.

But are those fears realistic?

I lived in absolute terror for the first seven years of my life. I was often attacked for no reason. The attacker my father, just a drunken old man that felt that my birth ruined his life and his marriage. Then at seven when my mother finally got the courage to gather my sister and myself up and flee, I swore to myself that I would never allow anyone or anything to ever scare me again.

I have had to modify that philosophy a bit but for the most part, it has been my mantra. I do not care if people like me. I do not need their approval. I do not have anything that can stop me from obtaining anything I want. Change is a part of life, one that may cause pain or struggle, but one that always causes growth. I have had many passions in my life and cannot remember a time that I did not. Each one of course was scrutinized by friends and strangers, and it mattered not what they said, as long as I was fulfilled I kept at them.

As for the modification to my philosophy, it is simple - If it actually can kill me or physically hurt me, it is valid to have feelings of fear. Anything else is self generated and a limitation on my life. I cherish my life too much, to have it controlled in anyway. I have the right to fear a lion charging me. I have no right to limit myself by others opinions of my actions or my life.

Iron bars and concrete are not the only things that can cause someone to be imprisoned.

When I think of all the passionless, unhappy people in this world or those that are in a rut, it is only because they have succumbed to their fear. That fear now controls their life. Fear of rejection. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being unloved. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of failure.

The sad part of it is that in the end the only person holding anyone back from their dreams is the one in the mirror.

The biggest lesson to learn in life is the difference between "I can't" and "I won't". I cannot fly unassisted. That is a fact. I cannot change, is a lie we tell ourselves. I won't change is the truth. We all have the capacity and strength. It means accepting that there may be some pain or struggle on a road to a better place. It means fearing a life as is, more than life as it should be lived.

The second lesson is a fact. Failure is not trying. Failure is quitting when we stumble on the path to our dreams and not arise to move forward.

The last lesson, is that life is hard. Once we accept that, it actually becomes easier.

Well back to the letters. I have a lot of writing to do today. I hope that those who are free to read this are never imprisoned for breaking the law. More than that I hope everyone reading this lives fearlessly and without resignation.