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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : January 2006 : I cannot tell you the depth of the sadness that is within me.

I cannot tell you the depth of the sadness that is within me.

I hate being a god..

Yet it is a role we accept when we have an animal. We know that there may come a point where we may have to love that animal more unconditionally than selfishly and let them go. The hard part is answering the question, is this the time?

I have had Destiny 11 years now. Three to four more years than she is supposed to live. Every night I have been in my bed, she has been there next to me. Every time I was sick, she was there. The night I chose to end my life she watched quietly from across the room. For eleven years she provided me with love, comfort, amusement and most of all unconditional friendship.

I don't ever want to lose her, and especially now in my life where I am at one of the lowest points emotionally. Just let me recover from this loss before I suffer hers, is a nightly prayer. I admit that there have been times when the dogs were the only thing that kept me going.

It began yesterday. The not eating, the listlessness. This has happened before. But usually in a day it is gone. This time today was worse. I have not seen her eat or drink. I have not seen her go to the bathroom. I know she has walked three times. Once from the bedroom to the cushion on the patio, from the cushion on the patio to the king sized bed on the patio and then inside again.

What worries me is that even when I played with Jezebel and Sera, she did not come into the yard. Even at her old age when playtime is occurring she is there! Standing and growling and acting like she is running ninety to nothing, even though standing still. A little while ago, she quietly watched.

I cannot tell you the depth of the sadness that is within me.

She does not seem to be in any more pain than usual. The arthritis bothers her, but she can walk. It is hard to know what she is feeling. And I am sure she is masking most of it, dogs are funny creatures, they care more that we do not worry than expressing pain. Currently she is asleep in the den on the mattress on the floor in there.

I wonder why so many of the animals we have are put to sleep. I have never had a dog die a natural death. The only one that ever died at home had a heart attack during an epileptic seizure. She was less than three years old. It was quick and painless and occurred on a rainy night at one in the morning. The next day she was buried with the others in the back of the yard they all have loved so much.

It is Destiny's time. I can feel the giving up and see it in her eyes. She is tired of the body. I pray it is quiet, fast and maybe just not waking up from a sleep.

Death is something I look forward to, yet hate enduring the pain of others. I do believe that we will be surrounded by the souls of those we have loved. All animals and people will be a part of our eternity. That makes it easier.

Still there is the immediate void. The space that is not filled. The toys that gather dust. The silence unbroken by a playful growl that says in its own unique way, "I love you dad". That is the hole of despair that comes with death. The essence of the animal gone. That is when the tears begin. And all one can wonder is why does it have to be so painful.

I have awoken every morning for years and the first thing I check is Destiny and Jezebel to see if they are still alive. It is a horrible fear to have to deal with first thing in the day. Then there is the moment when I thank god that they are both still here. Life then continues on.

I make time each day to spend some alone time with each of my dogs. And with Destiny, it is more than just that. It is a union that has been forged by struggle and strife on both sides for life and health. Destiny has had her own issues as well in the health department, ones where I fought her for years, to save her life. Those struggles brought us closer.

Jezebel is a beautiful loving dog, but she is more like a cat. She comes when she wants attention, but most of the time is doing her own thing. She has been the healthiest of animals, few crisis, and if I had to humanize her I would call her a ditzy blonde. I am close to her and love her, but not as close as with Destiny. Jezebel wants to be near, but not too near. She does not handle restraint well. Even trying to hold her to cuddle brings out some feral instinct and she pulls away immediately.

Sera the baby, is new to us. And with the two older dogs our bond is not as close. That is something that would normally be alleviated with time. I am not sure we will have that time though.

I sit here shocked and sad. I know death is near. Yet I beg god for more time. I have always been aware this moment would come, but it seems like I never have had enough time with each animal each time this point has been reached.

Destiny has seen many dogs come and go from her yard. She has seen the rescues I brought home. She has been the matriarch and a true loving leader. With each spat, Destiny was always the first to stand in the middle of each of the others and lick their faces until the tempers subsided. Destiny is the peace maker. With each rescue, Destiny welcomed them, let them know she was the boss and taught them the rules of the house and yard. And with each person that came into her life, she has left her mark.

I try to celebrate her life, I try to concentrate on the good times and the fun we have had. But I am feeling the loss already and it is hard to do so. I know what she wants for me. She has always been with me at the saddest moments, but not this time. This time she is too tired, too weak, too old to comfort me.

Time to stop the tears and act normal.. Going to go check on her and spend a few moments with her letting her know exactly how much she is loved. I pray that she is here tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow. I pray she is not in pain. I pray that I make the best decisions for her that I can.

It is tough… SO very tough…