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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : January 2006 : All is as all was..

All is as all was..

I found myself terrorized today.. Just so full of fear and I guess as close to a panic attack as I have ever been. Maybe it was a panic attack? I don't know what they consist of. All I knew is that I had one thing on my mind, and it scared me more than anything else in my life has. Even more than dying.

I had planned to stop smoking on January 1st along with other things that would make me and my life better or healthier. But I was not mentally ready and other things arose that made a better resolution. The past two years the resolutions were to accomplish something's that made me feel more of a man, a person of more value. So there was motivation. To counteract the feeling of being useless as a man.

Anyways I said to myself that when the cigarettes run out, I will do it. Well the cigarettes, there are 42 of them left at this point in time. Probably about 50 when the attacks began. Friday is shopping day for me. A van comes and I run what errands I have. And today was the day I dreaded. I have these terrible visions of tremendous pain of withdrawal. Now this sounds real funny to me, seeing that I am a legal narcotic addict. I would rather quit my drugs that control the pain I live with than face the withdrawals from nicotine.

I was terrified of the being without any tobacco in the house and without the means to get any. See I can no longer drive, so I am isolated for most of the week and I do not live near any shopping so I would really be out of luck. I also live in terror that something might happen to the dogs and I cannot get them to a vet. I have to have faith with that, faith that god will protect them and I. Sometimes I am not sure if it is a wise decision.

So was I going to go through with quitting? Or would I give up and buy cigarettes? I have patches and lozenges and nose spray. I have munchies, healthy and not, I am as set as set could be. But the fear that gripped me was so intense. Visions of tremendous pain and suffering - Of me pulling up grass and trying to smoke it resulting in my neighbors calling the police at my inane actions and ending up in a psych ward which in turn causes me to lose the dogs. Pretty dramatic, but they were what they were.

Back in 1998 I was in the hospital for 40 days, 15 of which were intensive care or unconscious. No nicotine for 15 days. But when I got out of intensive care I made such a stink and refused to abide by anything the hospital or my doctors wanted until I got a cigarette. The nicotine was out of my system, it should have been easy. But the mental addiction was/is so overpowering.

I guess it says a lot about my character. I can walk again against all the odds, but I cannot beat a dead plant! I intend to get up tomorrow, apply the patch and try.

But I did buy cigarettes..

On one hand, it is healthy, cheaper, and becoming the politically correct thing to do. I lose chances with people because I am a smoker..

And on the other, why bother? I already life a life with little quality and I do enjoy smoking. Without it I will be vice free, and they say it takes 15 years for the body to be as close to as if one never smoked. So why bother at my age?

For me, it is all about motivation and I simply am not motivated..

We'll see what tomorrow brings.. Maybe something new to beat myself up over and feel guilty about.. Maybe not…

I am still trying to find the right motivation for this one.. Fear of withdrawal seems to be stronger than fear of cancer or death.

Destiny is doing ok.. Thanks for those that have been asking.. All is as all was.. And that is good..