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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : January 2006 : The Least We Can Do For Our Friends

The Least We Can Do For Our Friends

In the lulls while I sit in the yard camera in hand, the times the birds go away for a while, I usually try to decide what I want to write about that night. Today my mind was loaded with great topics. Some funny. Some introspective. But today I decided to talk about my blogs.

I have three different blogs.

Blog one is where no one that knows I am the author. I like to keep that one private. The reason being that there are emotions that I cannot share. Things that go through my head that would cause those that care for me to be concerned. Things that really might make someone question my sanity at times. Which, actually is ok, because I question it all the time. In the past I found that I temper things when people read that I care about. I was not really writing all I felt to spare them worry or concern. So I began the anonymous one.

Blog number two is Myspace. Blog one contains everything I post here as well.. Ok call me lazy, but sometimes there is never enough time to write for both.

Blog number three is the most important one.

In June of 1992 I was reunited with my best friend from high school. All through my life Rich and I have been in and out of touch. We would email for a bit and then get too busy to and lose touch.

After high school there was a summer in New Jersey where we lived together, and he was dating Kathy and I was dating Cathey. I never liked Kathy. She was controlling and to put it mildly a bitch. She did not like me so it was all fair. She saw me as a threat to her control over Rich and the truth was I was stumped in his choice. His previous girl friend was someone who was happy. Loving, warm, giving, something Kathy was not. Rich was a happy, creative sort with a huge smile and a warm heart. Kathy was one of those people that never had a happy day.

Anyways I left New Jersey and returned to lousyana. Rich and Kathy married and we lost touch. I am sure she had much to do with that. In the course of their marriage, they had a daughter. Then the marriage collapsed and Kathy got custody of their daughter.

Rich, in 1992 had remarried. And often he spoke to me about the daughter that he never knew. She had not been in touch and all efforts were stymied by Kathy. There was a sadness there. Rich had a part of him missing.

Rich's new wife was a lady from Indonesia and she had a six year old son who spoke no English. The emails Rich sent me were very disappointing. The way he talked about his wife was terrible. It became apparent that my friend had become much like Kathy. Bitter, unhappy, and from what I found out later drinking problematically. The only woman he spoke positively about was his daughter. Kathy had so damaged him.

In August of 1992 I had not heard from Rich in a week or so, when I received an email from someone I did not at first recognize. It was from Rich's mother. Rich had dropped dead in the house. With him was the six year old who knew not how to call for help, and who spoke no English. He stayed hidden in the house while Rich lay on the kitchen floor. His wife walked in on this when she returned from work.

I had never talked to his wife, but extended my condolences. And found - that as many do, I was someone she could talk to. Her sorry was deep. This was later complicated by the fact that since she was not married a year INS was working to deport her.

In the course of talking to Rich's wife and parents, it really hit me how un-prepared people are when someone they love dies. His mother and wife were both interested in our communications. Were there things he shared with me that they might have interest in? Boy talk about a spot. I hate to lie, and I hate liars, but I lied. Neither his parents nor wife needed to know how bitter a person he had become.

I asked his mother about her grand daughter. I was told that his ex had immediately contacted an attorney over his daughters share of the estate. His daughter was in college and an adult, yet still it was the controlling mother that started the fight over the assets. The woman who in the end hated and excommunicated him from his only child, was immediately looking for blood money. She is so deserving of the misery she lives in. All this was further complicated by Rich not having a current will.

I then asked if I should make attempts to reach his daughter to let her know that her father spoke of her often. To let her know he loved her and that he was not the person her mother made him out to be. In the end I wrote a long letter to her.

That made me think about my dropping dead at that instant. What kind of mess would that leave behind? There is so much stuff in this house, some of it important, most not. As far as stuff goes, I could care less what happens with it. What was more important is that the people that I love would have a message from me. Something that would hopefully comfort them, and hopefully let them know how much they really meant to my life. That is the most important thing. I wanted to make sure that no matter when I am called, that there is nothing left unsaid. Even to some, that are not recent in my life.

So I started the third blog. It is to make my passing easy on those I care about. It is in four parts. The first is what I wish to be done with my body. The second section tells what I wish to be done with my assets and my property. There I also make some plans for any animals that may still be alive in my care. There is the location of my will, my important papers, and my safety deposit box. The third is my thanks section, where I thank those people who shaped who I am and my life. They are evolving thank you notes. Adding something whenever something else occurs that touches me, I hope they bring a warm memory, a smile and reinforcement of how much I cared for them. Some of what I have in this section are the things I never said but wished I had. And some of the people have long ago been lost, but still I want the thanks there. One never knows who or how it may get to those of my far past. Stranger things have happened.

The last part is my epitaph. How I hope I am remembered. Something of depth ending with a smile. I want no one to mourn my passing. For my death is a huge release of many types of pain. I want people to know that I do strongly feel that death is simply a door way to a plane where we are surrounded by all those that we love. These are my beliefs.

I registered a web site, easypassing.com, and there hidden is my blog. It is password protected as well. When I die, there is a note on my desk that states in case of my death open. In it are the email addresses, and the mailing addresses of each person that I know the location of, as well as instructions on how to find the site and password.

What would you wished you would have said if you died right now? How hard is it going to be for your loved ones to find your assets and important papers? Don't wish you could have said good byes - have them ready. If you have kids, a final message would be something they would have forever to look back on, a piece to carry forward with them. And for your spouse it could be a provider of strength and support in a time they need it the most.

Death is a topic we all avoid. But the fact is we die. And we do not get to choose the when or the how usually. This small effort I have made will be the most important thing I have ever written. Those letters in part three will be final gifts to people that have given me so much.

On another note, I am considering opening easypassing.com just for this purpose. Where everyone can leave whatever they need to, or want to, for those left behind. Maybe I will go so far as to format it with fill in the blank type forms. If not it may simply be a repository.

I wish everyone would be a little more proactive about dying. It makes the survivors lives easier during the period of great loss. It is the least we can do for our friends.