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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : February 2006 : WTF

WTF

WTF????

Well I have to say this has been a terrible day.

I woke up and something was wrong. No not the usual but something new. I felt the pain of my injuries. And the right side ribs evidentially decided they were also injured because they began to hurt when I coughed. But that was not what was bothering me.

I was afraid.

My neck took quite a jarring and I have been having trouble walking. I am not the most patient of people, and am a terrible patient. I want to be as good as I was, NOW.

I started the what if song…
What if I can never walk like I used to?
What if this is the best I can be again?
What if….
What if….

Then I tried to put logic over emotions. I rationalized that I am a bit messed up mentally since I am no longer taking Demerol. And I have to accept that I need some time to get it out of my system and clear it from my mind. Demerol added to my other mix, does get me quite high. I do not like it. But I do not like unrelenting pain more. Still, my last dose of Demerol was taken Wednesday night and I should not be feeling as I did. I should have slept it all out of me by now. But then again I have never taken Demerol for more than a day before.

I then took inventory of every bit of my body. I was feeling a bit nauseaus. I was numb below the waist. I felt achy like I was coming down with the flu. I was shaking. I was depressed. I was scared.. very scared.

I felt like shit.

To add to the possibilities of what was going on the weather did a one eighty overnight. Instead of being warm and mild and sunny, it was cold and damp and rainy. The change always causes some feelings of yuck.

I then wondered if I were ready to die. Seriously! I remember how so many people have a day feeling miserable and then die. I prayed that someone take care of my dogs. And I was at peace with it.

I drank coffee, in the background the TV made noise that I do not recall, and as time passed I was feeling worse and worse.

Attitude alone can defeat a person. Was I defeated? Was I going to be blue all the rest of my life? What if I could never walk faster again? What if I could never again garden? What if? What if I lost the ability to walk altogether? What then?

I realized that with the weather and my lack of self confidence, I was not in any shape to go to WalMart. So I called and cancelled my rides. Then I called the other office to reschedule myself.

The vans that provide transportation are federally funded and called LiftLine here. You can set up an appointment and they come and haul you anywhere in the parish/county. The lady that handles all the booking is a wonderful soul called Queen. She truly does care and does meet up and go out with riders for lunch. She wants to be more than just a voice on the phone. I called and she found transportation for me on Sunday.

"Help I've fallen and I can't get up." A commercial that is so fake that I used to laugh each time I saw it. But not in the last nine years. This all began with me falling and unable to get up. I was getting more and more panicked. I even was afraid of going across the room to the bathroom.

I contemplated what to do with myself this day. I was not me. I was no where feeling normal. I was so afraid of falling again. And the shaking was getting worse. I did not feel feverish, yet I was sweating. I just felt double yuck.. I wondered what really was going on with me. Was this all emotional? How did I lose the courage I have had in the past? I smelled of defeat.

My attitude was what changed when I finally decided that I would walk again unaided. And did. But this time, I feel tired. I did not know if I had it in me to do that fight again. What for? To continue living like I do? Why? In 2000 I realized that if I am going to fall, I am going to fall. It is fated, meant to be. I realized then too, that if I sat very still I hurt and my muscles atrophied. And if I moved and walked or gardened or did anything, I hurt equally as much. (I do believe that the moment we are born the time of our death is set.) When my attitude changed, anger turned to action. And worked very hard to be where I was a week ago.

Man my mind was going all over the place. Cigarettes were tasting like crap. I thought to myself maybe I ought to just put a patch on and try to quit now.

BANG.. IT HIT ME…

A patch. When was the last time in all of this that I changed my Fentanyl patch? Wasn't I supposed to change it last night? Did I? It would sure explain a lot.

I made my way to the bathroom. Sure enough, I was in detox. Very scary and very dangerous. I put on a new patch and upped my dosage of Methadone just a tad to make sure I was not going to go into full fledged detox and seizure.

WTF = WHAT THE FOOL!...

I then decided to lie down and napped for two hours. It was a much different world I awoke to.

WHAT THE FOOL..