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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : February 2006 : I am saddened by those that use love..

I am saddened by those that use love..

WalMart was especially cheery today. Tulips in bloom were beautiful. Extra roses were in stock arranged beautifully in vases. Heart shaped boxes of candy were everywhere. With each I was reminded that I had no one to give a gift to that symbolized my love. I guess the only thing missing was my wearing a loser shirt blaring it out to all to see.

I braved a nasty rainy day to get roses and a basketball. I picked up six plants, hoping that these would be the last that I have to plant. I have this one bed that I want all roses in. I have room for fourteen plants in it and then when hibiscus are in I plant small hibiscus around the border. Yet some of the roses die. I have changed out the nasty clay for good soil with each I plant. I am not sure why some refuse to live. But I refuse to be defeated.

I think it is great to send roses. I send them to friends all through the year. A lot of times I send a card with no signature, one that simply says "Just Because". And more often than not I am the first questioned about the unexpected surprise. This is one of the times I allow myself the right to lie.

To get an unexpected gift, one that shows admiration, is a beautiful small tribute. And if I see that it makes someone happy, and that they are not freaked out by the arrival of an unexpected gift, then I deny knowing anything about the flowers. That way the gift is residual. Something so mysterious is not easily forgotten, and whenever they see a rose, they will remember the roses that a stranger sent.

As for the basketball, that too is a Valentines day gift. Sera loves big balls. I had one of those huge exercise balls and put it outside and she was in heaven. She pushed that thing around and attacked it until one of her claws cut through the vinyl. I saw her high tailing across the yard, with her tail between her legs, whimpering, as she continuously looked back over her shoulder at the deflating silver orb. She was not sure what she did, but she did know it was not good. When it finally lay a flat piece of plastic on the ground, she sniffed it a few times and never again paid any attention to it. Unfortunately I cannot purchase those for her simply to destroy.

Sera is a woman through and through. She has a stubborn streak when it comes to balls and cardboard boxes. Both are endless hours of fun attempting to destroy them. She can just get a basketball into her mouth. If it deflates the least amount she can then put pressure on it and eventually puncture it. Such is the fate of the last one. As for the cardboard boxes. She literally will attack one and rip it to shreds if it is in the yard. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how one looks at it, she does not eat the little shards. Those are left for me to clean up. The ball is definitely a better idea.

I just love giving. I love the joy that small things can bring to a persons heart. I give on holidays, but also all through out the year. I think that is one thing my wife really loved about me. She was more likely to get roses or a small gift when there was no reason for it, or it was not expected. You know money is just stuff, roses and gifts are just stuff, and if it can make another happy why not? Stuff is stuff is one of my most often said expressions. It says mountains about the material things one has or covets.

Valentines day is a beautiful occasion. It is a time to celebrate the one you love. I sent my ex some small gifts and roses will be delivered. Small things to remind her that I do love her, regardless of who she sees now. Even though she has caused me some of the worst pain in my life, I celebrate the beautiful times we had. In fact I still love every person that I have ever said "I Love you" to. Love doesn't die or wane in me. People grow and the love doesn't. The result is that all of a sudden one is loving a stranger. I cannot even begin to relate to people who say that they "USED TO" love someone. My romantic love is the way love should be for everyone. It is like the love of a parent, no matter how much a child screws their life up, the love is there. It does not weaken because of differences or mistakes.

Love in itself is a million blogs worth of words. Suffice it to say that we all love in different ways, and the biggest fallacy of my life has been hoping to find someone that would love me as I do they. No one loves as I do. Sometimes I see two people that are connected by a love that is nowhere near the intensity in feeling that I have when in love, that have been together more years than I am old. I do not understand their love. But it works for them. We all love differently. My best friends, who I have known for over 30 years are a horror story. He is the dominant head of the household. I have seen him treat his wife in ways that make me cringe. She can bust ass all day while he watches TV and after dinner berate her for not getting him ice cream quickly enough - in front of others. She sucks it up and gets him ice cream. Their relationship is one that is foreign to my philosophies. I have talked to her and asked her why she allows him to treat her like that. Having worked with her she is a professional woman that takes no crap from anyone in her business life. She tells me it is the way it is defined in the bible. I don't at all agree or condone anything less than a partnership. But it works for them and they are happy. Love is different.

I used to believe that we all loved in the same way. It is not true. I cannot love by hitting. I cannot love being dominated. I cannot love being a servant. My instincts make me protective over the one I love. Love is giving, and when in love you are never empty because the other gives as much as I do. I am awed by the giving I am capable of when I love. I respect love and I respect the feelings of others. The minute I sense someone might be feeling more for me than I can for them, I deal with the situation as gently as I can. I do not use love as a hare infront of a greyhound.

There is a huge air of sadness for me this Valentines Day. The beauty of the occasion is spoiled by the departure of someone beautiful from MySpace. A true inspiration of a person, one who I met here, now finds it too painful a venue to come to. So she retreats from this place that introduced us. Seems a player got his hands on her heart. And now people interested in him contact her for tips and how tos to get this mans attention.

That man is the manifestation of evil. You do not play with someone's love. It is the only gift in live that is perfect. And it is the only gift in life that is given to a person perfect for you. To take someone down that road for the ego or for folly is the true mark of a selfish child masquerading in a adult's body. Someone who sadly does not know how to love but does know how to act and manipulate. I don't hate. But that type of person sure garners it.

So this is a sad good bye to a beautiful soul. It is sad to think of her in pain, when all she sought was someone to give her love to. It was when he knew that she was hooked, that he let her know it would be when he was ready. There were still too many women fawning over him out there for him to settle down at present time. I shake my head at the foolishness of it all.

I am saddened by those that use love.