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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : February 2006 : Secrets and Shit

Secrets and Shit

As I was planting six more rose bushes today, I was thinking about the secret that I carry that I cannot tell a soul. There are more than one actually. But most of what I have untold within are confessions. Ones I always hoped to share with someone I loved and trusted. Someone that I knew would not turn away because of my history. The one I was thinking of is yet to occur. When it does everyone will know and it will no longer be a secret.

And as I was putting the last bush in my neighbor approached and we chatted a little about nothing. He then commented that he sees me every afternoon sitting in my chair with my camera and asked what I was doing. I explained that I was spending a couple of hours a day taking pictures of birds. He then commented that he had a recently acquired a digital camera and had not had an opportunity to use it. It was one of those comments that was meant to be responded to with an invitation. Which I did.

At 2:00 I had a second chair set up, and the feeders had all been filled. He sat and patiently watched me and then when I sat next to him I said "watch this". I reached into my bucket and threw a handful of mealworms out into the grass in front of us. Click Click Click Click he was shooting as fast as his camera allowed. The Pine Warblers and Blue Birds descended from the trees and there must have been fifty on the ground. Click Click Click.

Then they all of a sudden scattered as a mockingbird came in for its share. Click Click Click. Then the mockingbird scattered when the Robin appeared. Click Click Click. Then all scattered when a hawk circled over head.

He as lived here since 1972 a few doors down the road. He was in total awe as he looked up and saw the Red Tailed Hawk slowly circling looking for opportunity. He told me that he had never seen a hawk before. I sat dumbfounded because they are always there in the sky. All one has to do is look. Some look and never see. Sighted blindness.

After the hawk and the worms were gone the birds settled into feeding on the many types of seed, fruit and bread I have out. Gold Finches were 5 feet from us. Pine Warblers even closer at times. His camera fired and fired and fired. He asked why I was not taking any pictures. I explained that one can only have so many pictures of a cardinal or a titmouse or any of the birds. I got what I considered a great picture of most of the birds and the few that I do not have what I consider a great picture of are the rarer ones. So I sit and wait.

During another lull he put the camera down and told me how amazed he was. He had never been this close to so many birds. He said that when the birds around his house see him they are immediately gone. He continued with the point that he had never been closer to any wild bird than 100 feet. He ended up commenting on how lucky I was.

It made me think. Yeah, I really am lucky. Birds are often a few feet away, making picture taking pretty easy. The only real issues are getting them to sit still and controlling the light, which cannot be done. I had gotten to the point where I take it for granted that the birds will be there, and that they will come close to me. Close enough so that I can easily capture the details of their feathers, even down to the hairs on their chins.

On the other hand, it has been 18 months since I first started this. And it took months of that for the birds to not startle and flee when I moved. They learned to trust me. That took time. I guess that since he sat with me they extended that trust to him as well.

We sat in silence a few minutes and then he said "you can really get lost back here you know." I know. I do it every afternoon. The rest of the world disappears.

"How often have they targeted you?" he asked.

I laughed. I knew what he meant, but being the good religious sort that he is, he would never say "How many times have you been shit on?" I told him the truth. None. Not once. And they are all around, flying inches by my head and over my head. I sit under branches of an oak tree, birds are always over head, and they have always minded their manners with me.

Not so with my neighbor. No sooner than he had brought that subject up there was a splat. On his hand was the green white goo that a bird produces. I chuckled as he rose to go wash his hand off. I sure wish I could train them to do that on command! I thought to myself.

He left shortly after. His camera memory was depleted. But I think moreover it was the extended silences that he felt uncomfortable with. Lost was not something he knew how to enjoy.

As I sat there alone, the birds resumed feeding and carrying on. It was a beautiful sunny warm day. There was little more that could have made it any better. Not exactly who I would have liked to share my Valentines day with - but who I ended up with.

2000 miles away, multiple gifts were delivered. I send these gifts not knowing if they are even opened. My worst fear is that they end up in the trash. If so I will never know. My greatest hope is that she opens them, likes them, smiles, and likes the fact I still care enough to remember her. What benefit she gets from them depends solely on her willing to accept.

In the end we are with, who we are supposed to be with at any given time. The person who shared this afternoon with me saw things he never has before - even though they were there all the time. So similar to my ex GF but she selected isolated rants, and used them as an excuse to be afraid.

Life is shit at times. So glad my birds aim is true. And it is an honor that they trust me as they do. And a surprise that they extend it to whomever sits with me. Trust - without it, there is only fear. And fear is the only thing that can stop anyone from living life fully and passionately.

Happy Valentines day to everyone. I was sad that I would not get a card, a greeting, a phone call, or any recognition. Then an hour ago I finally got a valentines greeting in an email. The subject said "A special Valentines Surprise for someone I love". I did not get my hopes up and felt sure it was a joke. It wasn't! Nope no joke, just spam trying to sell me Canadian Viagra. Right, who would I use it with? The birds? Maybe if my hands were not so calloused from planting and working in the yard… But that is another secret to be never told.