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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : February 2006 : Investing in Cattle
Investing in Cattle
My mood is as dour as the weather. Gray, stormy, thunderous.. Angry.
It has been a week now of gray dark dank dismal days. Back to back damp sometimes below freezing dreary days. Added to that the cast is itching like hell, doggie death watch, and of course the continuing saga of computer ills is rounding out my life.
Oh well there are certainly many with much more problems than I. I should be thankful. Unfortunately I do not suffer depression well. The weather has been depressing the crap out of me. I have a huge list of things to do. I have plants that need to be put in the ground, greenhouses that need to be made ready, bird houses that need to set up and well, I have a full typewritten page of things to do outside not including building the bed with the 500 blocks I have sitting outside. So here I go again. I want it to all get done, be finished.
Stress then adds to the depression. The computer, another one of those little things that should just not have wasted days to fix - if it is indeed fixed. That will be known tomorrow. And if this fix works it is only $119 to license the product. That on top of the $89 already spent on diagnostic software. Money, who, who needs it?
When I was a young lad and still under the influence of my father, well he is a cheap son of a female dog. And if something was not for him, it was not needed. Period.
Then after my mother fled he used his money to control all of us. Do or say what he wanted and we got money. If not we got none. If I did or said something to my mother, I got money. Money money money. It was what he loved.
I have been able to live with little and be content. Then the more I made the more I spent. Of course I also was issued credit cards. They make shopping so easy. (Evil inventions they are.) The truth is I could and have lived with nothing that could not be packed in a suitcase and was totally comfortable with my life. I could happily live in a straw hut on the beach if I had the right person with me, and want for nothing more. No power, no computer, no TV, no nothing.
Now if I am not involved in a relationship, you can judge my level of contentment by what I am doing in regards to shopping. If I am depressed for more than a day, there is going to be some shopping done. This week has been devastating for my finances. And I recognize it as a problem. It does not resolve anything and just adds to the clutter. It is very self destructive as is any addiction. When in a relationship I am more responsible I guess. Or maybe the shopping is replacing someone to share with?
I justify every expenditure to myself. Sometimes that is simply because I want it.
For example I just purchased two different sized digital tablets. One for smaller paper and one for full sized paper. I have always enjoyed writing on paper with pen. Of course I am picky about both the pen and paper. The pen has to feel a certain way in my hand. It has to be fine lined and black. Felt tip is preferable. The paper if ruled should be college ruled. I do enjoy writing more than typing and I think there is a more personal feel to something hand written. I wanted to get back to that and not have to waste time retyping the hand written items. The main justification is that it will in the long run save me time. And it will. But was it a necessity? Or is that my father still nagging the five year old wanting a dollar to buy a kite? The truth is I will use it. The truth is I feel guilty about the purchase with the money I owe on Credit Cards.
If I were to die this instant, there is more than enough insurance on me to pay all the bills and still leave a healthy chunk for my sister and father. I pay more than the minimums. So is it a problem really? Or is it the act of the little boy in me saying when we finally left my father, "no one will control me again, I will do whatever I want to?" Maybe this is the subconscious rebelling still to everything he ever wanted, preached or symbolized?
I put all these references to my father because so much of what we are today is a result of experiences in our early childhood. I wanted you to see some of my links. And I have so many, all from totally analyzing everything I say and do.
But something is amiss in Shreveport. My life is adrift and I am not focused or heading anywhere. Depression is becoming my regular state.
Friday I had maybe a dozen items to pick up at Wally World, but I left with two shopping carts. I spent more than what a family of four spends for a month, mostly on plants and other things not on my list. I enjoy gardening. I love the plants I purchased. But they were not necessities and my New Years resolution to discharge credit card debt this year is in serious trouble.
My life is out of balance. All that was is no longer and I no longer have a vision of where I want to be in 5 years. I need to get that in mind, focus, and then make it happen.
The first item to decide for my future is if I stay or if I go. I love my house. I love the garden. I love the birds and wildlife. It is quiet here and a safe neighborhood. But transportation is nil. That adds to the isolation and I need to get some more human contact than just Wal Mart on Fridays. So do I move?
I have always wanted to die by the ocean. I have moved three times in my life to be on the water. Each time I returned to Louisiana because of a woman. Twice my mother was battling cancer and the last time was in efforts to save my marriage. There is just something that the water does to me. Storms are calmed, and peaceful feelings fill me fully. I can envision myself living a Hemingway like existence in Key West.
Yet there are issues.
If I sell this house it is doubtful I will ever be able to buy another based on my age and my employment status. So that means renting an apartment or a house. And most properties are really reluctant to rent to someone with a Great Dane. Sera will be around for awhile. Or do I find Sera a good home and go back to cats?
I need a place with transportation that does not stop at 5:30 PM. One that has a good bus service. And cabs. Here a cab to my doctors and back is $60. That is provided you can get one. I once waited for 5 hours for one. If they are not in the area at night, they do not come. They can make more with the short trips around the casino areas. With better transportation I can get involved in some activities that include people.
The one thing though above all else is medical care. I need a place where I can get the pain medications I need. Silly that it is even a part of the consideration, but it is the biggest. Some states openly discourage their doctors from writing narcotics. And the doctors themselves are under so much pressure from the DEA, that they are reluctant to take in new patients. I cannot go anywhere where there is not a doctor that will treat me as well as pharmacies that will fill my prescription needs.
Nothing is ever easy..
So if I decide to move what do I do with all the junk in this house? I guess the simplest thing is to just get one of the estate sale companies in to clear it all out. I would love to get back to living with one bag and a lap top again. Now I am not like those horror stories one sees on TV where they enter a house and there is no room to walk because trash is piled to the ceilings. Mine is only half way. (Just kidding there, lighten up.) It just seems like I have been on a buying binge since I lost my ability to work.
All possible because of credit cards.
Oh well, there are people with more problems. But today, just seems to be one of the worst days in my recent life. Maybe tomorrow will be sunny and I can knock out part of my list. That would help the mood, and the feeling of being overwhelmed with things to get done.
Today on the internet I was looking for something for my bird bath. While looking for a bird bath dripper, I came across a great buy! One that was such a good deal, I bought two of them. (Did I tell you I also ordered 5 shake flash lights from ebay? One can never have too many flashlights!)
Anyway what I found I have often seen at fairs and at crafts shows. And I have never seen one for less than $70. But today I stumbled into them for $14.95. Man what a buy! Huh you want to know what it is?
Money, who needs it? (but I did save a ton, I just could not pass up the buy and it is something I always wanted. )
There are dollar stores here, where everything in the place is a buck. I have never gone into that store without spending at least $40! I mean it is only a buck I tell myself. And much of what I buy either gets trashed or is sitting in one of my two cluttered garages! I can do some damage in a dollar store!
The person who could suffer the most from this is my sister. I mean if I died tonight, she would have to come and wade through all of it! I am sure she would raise some eyebrows of what I have amassed. And to make matters worse, her taste is so much different from mine. So she would not want any of it. Well maybe my remote controlled fart machine. That is one thing everyone wants!
Oh, yeah that was a dummy link above. I was not sure if I wanted to share that find with you. But you are my friends on MySpace so here it is.
Oh well, life goes on. Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine, I will be busy outside and not on the computer shopping. The photo contest is taking shots until Feb. 28th and I could use one day of sunshine. I have submitted some good shots, but not what I consider great shots.
Thanks for taking the time to get to know me a little better. Or are you more confused than before you started? At least I buy different things, and not one item over and over.. My ex had two hundred pairs of shoes. She always told people she was investing in cattle.