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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : March 2006
Two Hours In the Yard This Afternoon
March 1, 2006 20:20
82 degrees today, windy, sunny, beautiful.I sit and watch the birds. It is an emotional day. I will share..And now to begin…..The more things change, the more they stay the same. And I am waiting for the changes that will soon happen. Is this the last day that... (Read Article)
Sometimes it takes a REAL MAN to deal with a PMS woman
March 2, 2006 19:11
PMS.. Now that is a subject that we could spend a million million words on. One that most men would never dare to write about. I am not most men. My wife, was the queen of PMS. When her time rolled around she would spontaneously burst into tears for no reason... (Read Article)
The Best Of Times
March 2, 2006 22:29
It was the best of times. It was the best of times..I loved the late sixties and early seventies. It was a time where I felt connected to many millions of people, all saying what I knew all along. Love is what it is all about. Loving friends, loving strangers,... (Read Article)
Sometimes it takes a REAL MAN to deal with a PMS woman - Part 2
March 3, 2006 19:31
Replaying Life
March 5, 2006 22:37
If I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now… To say anything is to devalue my life. To say I would change nothing would be a lie. I like who I am today. I would wish to be the same at a younger age though - through with all the changes, and dark... (Read Article)
The Black Stallion
March 6, 2006 21:58
I have stared at death. I have heard it. I have felt the air move as it passed just inches from my face. I was doing my job. I was staring at the barrel of a .357 as it waved slightly from side to side, as unsteady as the drunk that was holding it. And at that... (Read Article)
Crime and Punishment
March 7, 2006 20:52
I wanted to be a cop when I grew up.That was around 10 years old. Before that I wanted to be a vet. This all happened in New Orleans. A young boy was raped. The police caught the perp and beat him senseless. Then one of the dozen or so officers involved in... (Read Article)
Anchovy Pizza
March 9, 2006 19:04
Fatso. Tank. Blubber BUTT…All names I have been called. Tank was my nickname in Jr. High School. I tried to laugh it off, but…Weight has been an issue all of my life. Not really my issue, but an issue for others. "I don't want a fat son". I cannot tell you... (Read Article)
Crime And Punishment
March 10, 2006 19:11
I wanted to be a cop when I grew up. That was around 10 years old. Before that I wanted to be a vet. This all happened in New Orleans. A young boy was raped. The police caught the perp and beat him senseless. Then one of the dozen or so officers involved... (Read Article)
DirgeSilent tears from my heartAccompanies a soul sobbing Slowly down the path To loneliness. The dream dreamt foreverIs gone - lost, wasted.For my love is a gift receivedNot a flower sown. If I could only nurture that seednot have it thunder in unwarnedThe... (Read Article)
April In March
March 14, 2006 19:06
I started my day with April. She is the LiftLine driver that took me to my quarterly doctors appointment. As we were pulling out she told me she had the urge to move. She saw a couple of for sale signs near me and asked me what I thought the houses cost. I... (Read Article)
You Can Never Go Home Again...
March 17, 2006 21:54
You can never go home again… Or can you?In the first two years after my collapse I reflected on my lifetime. I wondered why of all the adventures, and memories, and things I had done, people I had met, places I had been, did I retain the memories that I did.... (Read Article)
SAD.........
March 18, 2006 21:09
I hate that you are so quiet - so still. Not eating, just sleeping away the minutes and hours of this rainy day. I sit on the floor beside the sofa on which you lay. Watching your eyes, and trying to read your heart. Last night was the first night in your life... (Read Article)
The Insanity That Is the Normalcy of Me.....
March 24, 2006 20:16
I try to step back into the life of the living. I look around and feel so alien. I crave silence and alone. I watch my two housemates struggle with the new reality. One never had a day in her life, without Destiny being there. And now the puppy wants to bond... (Read Article)
Texas Hold Em and Life...
March 28, 2006 18:04
I have always loved playing cards..
In the seventies I played a lot of a cajun game called Bourré (BOO-RAY), It is a game like no other. Fast paced and with little respect to luck, one can win simply on reputation. Every Friday night I would go to a club and in a back room meet up with bankers, stock brokers, a cop, and anyone who wanted to play and was vouched for by the clubs management or another player.
People have died playing this game. Quickly and easily one can lose everything. In fact in one hand there have been pay checks, watches, wedding rings, car titles, and stock certificates thrown in the pot. Unlike many games the pot does not always get won in a hand. It can grow and grow and often does.
More nights than not I left with thousands of dollars in each of my pants pockets. Often peoples pay checks and odd pieces of jewelry were amongst the crumpled bills. The game itself is addicting. When one has their paycheck sitting in a pot that has not been won, it is hard to get up and leave, you find a way to put in more trying to get back what one has already committed.
What separated me from most of the other players were two things. Money management and confidence. I would never bring more to the game than I could afford to lose. Never did I risk my rent, or any money needed elsewhere. I played hard, confident in my skills, and took risks only when my instincts told me to, or another player was seething. Seething is a player playing emotionally upset either by their own bad play or by close losses.
I wish I had been wise enough to invest 10% of the moneys I won and squandered on momentary pleasures. If I had I would be a millionaire today.
Since Destiny's death I have been living numb. Staying busy. And I have been playing a lot of Texas Hold 'em on the internet. At first I did well, playing my 1000.00 bankroll to over 100,000. I hit a rhythm, and was getting some good cards.
Then it all changed. Quickly I lost it all. I found myself seething. Anything I tried would be beaten by a card just one higher. As my bankroll went down so did I. All of a sudden I found myself playing amongst the people that were just counting on luck. I had studied and practiced and these people were killing me. After shouting at the screen and cursing my own luck - last night I took a time out.
As I sat and watched a game on TV, where pros played with real money, their own money, I realized what I was lacking - Confidence. I did not go in and play and take my time. Patience is one of the greatest virtues of gamboling, as well as in life. When the cards are not there, they are not there. No skill can make them appear. I was playing like all the people relying on luck, ignoring the math and the odds. I was not relying on instinct. I was not thinking it all through.
I woke up early today and logged in. I played my game. I thought it out - not just reacting, and hoping for luck to come my way. The other players came and went and my winnings grew. Starting with 1000 I had 22,000 three hours later.
I wanted to plant something beautiful around the dogs graves. Something to insure that they graves would not be disturbed for many years to come. I thought for several days on this and it hit me. Pink Dogwoods. Hurriedly I ordered two. When they arrived yesterday I decided to go online and check to see what type of soil and fertilization I would need to set them up. While reading I realized that they needed shade to partial shade. The dog's graves are in full sun. My brash actions again defeated my good intentions. Just as what I had done in the poker where I lost so much so fast.
Life has its ups and downs. Life has much that cannot be planned for or studied for. To face life one has to try to get the cards they need to win. Unfortunately we cannot manage what cards are dealt us. What defines our character is the way we play the cards we are dealt.
Confidence in ones ability to handle any situation is an attitude that guarantees success in life. Confidence tempered with humility is the secret; Confidence without arrogance. Without confidence we enter every hand/situation telling ourselves that we might be beat. That is half way to losing.
Even the way I handled the cards these past days was a reflection of what was going on in the rest of my life. Sometimes slowing down actually speeds us up in reaching goals or dreams
Slow plodding confidence, undeterred by the jokers thrown in our games, ensures survival of the toughest situations, and the eventuality that in the end we will succeed.
Don't sweat the weak hands. Just play what you have wisely and confidently with patience and humility. In the end you will claim the pot.
The Oracle..
March 29, 2006 19:32
It was in the days of my youth. A troubled time for me, one where I spent most of my days in some state other than normal. A time of anger and violence. A time where the self destructive mission I was carrying out was running full force. Dina was a dancer where... (Read Article)