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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : April 2006 : Friends...

Friends...

It stormed last night..

It stormed just a while ago…

And I had to cancel my shopping rides. Getting soaked and all of what I purchase soaked is not much fun.

Usually, I call back up my transportation provider and hope that they can squeeze me in sometime in the near future. Reservations for rides are made 14 days in advance and with 1800 people riding 11 vans the chance of getting a trip soon is very slim.

But now I have another option. I have my friend that is coming to go to dinner tomorrow night. So last night after seeing the weather I mulled it over and after a while decided to call and ask if we could stop after dinner and shop.

I was really anxious about this. It makes me feel guilty and certainly I do not want anyone to feel used. It is hard for me to ask for help. I have always relied on only me. If there was not a way to get something done, I made a way. I would spend money I do not have rather than ask for a favor.

Contrarily - I love doing for others. I will be there in a second, no matter who asks. And I do it without keeping score or expecting anything in return. Now I know that friends do for each other. And I know this is simple and foolish of me.

A little boy that is told repeatedly he is worthless, and unwanted, sitting alone in his room as punishment night after night learns many things. He learns to take care of himself. He learns that he is not worth the effort. He learns that life is one spent alone. Quickly he learns that there are no super-heroes to come to the rescue.

I am far from being a little boy. But I think every abused person, has that little child with all the unresolved issues within. Ones that, no matter how aware we are of them, are things that simply will never change. The young mind is such pliable clay. Once formed and hardened there is no reshaping; Only the shattering of the vase when dropped.

I am worth the effort. I know it. Sometimes for me it is really like living two lives. Well in my case three lives because there is even another persona I have to deal with at times. So sometimes there are these ridiculous internal battles between the two or three.

Thank god the third entity is pretty much dormant. It was the one that caused most of the problems in my life. I doubt it will ever resurface again. But it is there. Like a shadow just waiting to be summoned. And if summoned, the world around me will be in angry turmoil.

The difference between me now and ten years ago, is the awareness that I have of why and how all three function. I allow the little boy to fret, pout, and to feel guilty when needing a hand, but still go ahead with the gift of help, allowing that I am not that worthless child anymore.

It was a real major growing that brought me out of the confusion of who I was and who I am. It was the point in my life where I was able to accept the three, and more than that - accept the pieces of each that were still pliable, and work on changing those. I think the hardest thing anyone can accept is that there are just some things within that we may have to live with. That can never be changed or be perfect or even better.

It is akin to picking the battles to fight, to win the war, instead of battling every battle.

Now I just work to win the ones with the most returns. And with the scales weighing the good and bad of me, I can say that I am satisfied with the tilt I see on them.