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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : May 2006 : Who will I be next week?

Who will I be next week?

I am realizing that we cannot always get what we want…

And it is a sickening feeling actually. Never mind that bronchitis has had me tied to the bed all week, this feels so much worse.

I finally have lost hope and faith in ever finding someone again to love.

A lot of this has a lot to do with my recent experience. She is a wonderful lady. And she treats me as any man could possibly hope to be treated. This is someone that I should have that feeling for, but do not. And it seems so very unfair to both her and I. This really sucks to put it bluntly.

When we were last together in person, I told her the truth about my feelings. It hurt her. But I follow with my leading my life honestly as I expect others to do. I thought coming clean would alleviate the feelings of possibly " using her". I hate being used and am overly cautious that I ever use anyone in any way. And yes those feelings have for the most part gone. So one part succeeded.

I have surmised that if I am incapable of being in love with someone such as my friend, well I probably am incapable of loving ever again. Maybe it is being alone too long that did me in? I still suffer much from my last relationship even though it ended 18 months ago. Did the red headed demon steal my ability to love as she did much else? Was that her final gift to me?

Today I sat out. The baby Blue Birds were with their father learning. Then later in the afternoon one came with him. The baby watched as the father grabbed a meal worm and brought it to him. Blue did it one more time. Then Blue left. The baby sat on the branch for a second, watching the food below him. Was it his time to get his first meal for himself? Then he dropped to the ground and ate.

And ate

And ate
And ATE.... At least a dozen meal worms.

It was a wonderous moment, the first time a baby has the confidence and the education to put to use to feed itself for the first time. I sat there sadly. Usually such a small thing is more than enough to make my whole day. To provide awe and inspiration enough to block out any and all other troubles that maybe around me. But today, it was just a bird eating a bunch of worms. Nothing special.

So amidst the sickness this week, depression is at my bedside. I will survive. I will continue. It is just time to find a new dream. This same old one has run the gamut and for all intents and purposes tortured me far more than gave me the fulfillment I sought.

I just hope it can stop with just the loss and adjustment to that one item. Regretfully I fear it may change everything else about me, and perhaps my attitude itself.

Who will I be next week?

A question I never thought I would be asking at my age…