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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : May 2006 : Things I have learned this week…

Things I have learned this week…

Out of the blue today a third Blue Bird fledgling appeared. This one unlike her two brothers was quite a fat little girl. It obviously is true that girls are their daddy's favorites or she was a bitch from birth.

I am not as detailed as I thought. I had the wrong date for the most important person in my life's birthday. I feel terrible about this.

I watched these past few days as a mother wren began to beat up her two babies. The would come begging and if they approached two close she would physically drive them off. Yet later she would feed each. Then drive them off again. Life has patterns, and she is instilling in her soon to be independents that she is setting her boundaries. I wish I had set my boundaries when I was very young. I still am the chick that begs at the wrong time. I never learned better.

It is easy to be hurt. It is harder to hurt, for the hurt of having hurt lasts longer.

At this stage of my life I value others lives so much. I would do anything to help another, yet do little for myself. I feel - what's the use?. I hate being saddled with this pain.

I love anchovies. I love Paul Newman's Balsam Vinaigrette salad dressing. I hate Paul Newman's salad dressing on a salad with Anchovies in it. If one has to go, it will be the dressing.

I have a new addiction… Poker… And I am not using real money.. But I sit and play.. There are so many other things I could be doing… I should be doing.. Writing, processing pictures.. But.. I tell myself, do what you want, who cares, who does it matter to that I spend 7 hours sitting and playing poker. I can barely walk anymore and I fought so hard to get that back.. I need to get off my ass and exercise and walk…I need to resume the positive lifestyle.. Why now does it seem to matter so little? I just feel empty, useless and so dispassionate.. Something that is totally alien to who I am, and more than that - in what I believe… How do I break this cycle of total apathy?

More than anything I have learned, THE TRUTH IS that I have a lot to learn… More than I would have ever imagined, and yet - there is so little time left to learn it all in. And I waste it playing a game… Doing what I abhor about society the most.. Trying to be distracted from the things in my life that need work..

Maybe I finally have joined society and can no longer claim to be the unique individual that I am..

What a frightening thought it is… That I might be becoming normal…