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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : July 2006 : HATRED......

HATRED......

I hate liars…

I HATE liars….

I HATE LIARS….

But

Maybe….

Just Maybe….

I hate myself more for trusting trash…..

I see my life in three stages. One each entirely different than the other. The each born of an epiphany that occurred without warning and in the most unexpected of places. In a second I was what I was not two seconds before.

Each of those three stages created a personae totally different from the next. The first was the scared little boy. He was repeatedly beaten, told he was unwanted and suffered a great deal for simply being born.

The second was the bully, the battler, the person that did not mind blood, theirs or mine being spilt. Driven by hatred for pain unknowingly it was what I pursued in this life style. And I was good… Very good… Unbeaten. In fact people would come just to fight the toughtest guy on the street, and they would leave without the title.

The final stage was one that realized that hatred only destroyed me. It became one totally dedicated to honesty and fairness.

So I have been absent for a while here.. A lot has gone on that has challenged me to revisit all three of the personae that are me. Hatred.. Honesty.. Fairness… All have been challenged. Usually it is my seeing someone else being treated unfairly that causes my entry. I am not one to stand by and watch, or stand by and ignore. I am one of those that gets involved..

Months ago I was pursued here by someone that at first glance seemed too good to be real. At second glance truths began to arise and I slowly backed away..

But in the process of approaching love again, I had to realize that I had left much undealt with my previous girlfriend. The one who lied, used, and took… I was part at fault, I excused her lies since she was going through so much turmoil. And in it I found out some things that opened all wounds I had been denying.

Then the One met here also began acting like a Kellogs Cereal…
All three of my personae merged during this time.. The hurt.. The anger and hatred.. but most of all the hatred for the lies. I have never lied to either about anything.

And I had to face that both lie to themselves and to the world around them. It is part of being who they are. And it is shameful and disgusting.

Part of my lack of posting here was the second, the one found here, wanting me to be an accomplice to a lie. If I could not write what I was feeling, thinking, or living, why write? That explains a lot of my absence recently.

But then I came to a decision. To be true to myself. To be sure all parties involved deal honestly with their lives, the lives they are about to impact, and what they see when they look in the mirror.

I never realized women in their 40s and 50s could be so screwed up. So simply I am letting truths be known that need to be..

Some it will hurt. Some will be angry then thankful…

I am not god. I claim to be nothing but me.. And to get back to me, I have to get back to being totally honest..

As I said Earlier and in previous posts, I believe in fairness.. Even if the person being lied to or deceived is a stranger, they do not deserve the pain the lies caused me.

All I intend to do is be truthful..

And it makes me feel so much better about myself…

Hopefully I can now regain the want to rush in and write for my blog again.

Unfortunately these two ladies have stolen one thing I may never be able to replace… The ability to trust or ever believe that someone's words of affection are true..

I struggle with that…

They were only people that cared about alleviating their own pain, regardless of the price.. And I guess I was the sucker to use…

I hate that I wasted my trust on them… There are so many others more worthy that now I may totally run from..

Their actions, words, lies, life choices have more repercussions than they can ever dream of..

And again I find hatred a part of my vocabulary… And my life….