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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : July 2006 : Untitled

Untitled

Picking the last two cucumbers I brutally ripped the six plants from the ground. The Louisiana heat is winning. There are a few tomatoes left - then the few eggplant, and finally I can quit watering clay with the water evaporating almost the moment it touches.

Even so…. There is something so satisfying in growing ones own food. I had 189 cucumbers this year with the neighborhood and myself satiated. Wal Mart is charging 89 cents a piece for them. I paid for a pack of seeds, some fertilizer, water, sweat and love.

There is nothing like the taste of a vine ripened tomato. If you have never had one, you have never had a tomato. The things in the store taste like cardboard compared to home grown. The difference is that ripening on the vine is natural, in transit is not.

I stumbled back to the house half asleep half unable to walk anymore. Anger propels me. Hate fuels the anger. Last night I slept not so today I lost the day to fitful sleep and bloody dreams.

The less I walk the less I can. It is all circular. I was given this gift back and now I risk it through self punishment. We all destroy ourselves in one way or another. I have always just done things in a big way.

Blane called just as I came in. The first thing he did was remind me that I did say he could call anytime. And all he wanted to know was if that still held true.

He does not know that I know all too well what it feels like to not be wanted. To never have been wanted. To be lied to about being wanted.. To know they are lying to you when they say they love you….

He will never feel that from me. If that is the last thing I do on this earth it is I will never hurt that child. Unless it is the sting of the truth and that will be done kindly.

I so wish one had been so fair with me all those months.

Time passes.. I did not get the house cleaning done today that I needed to. I put it off till tomorrow and then only if I can sleep tonight.

I spent the night last night engaged in heads up battle with anonymous people on the internet. Usually I win some and usually I lose some. Last night I was unable to even be budged slaughtering each some in as little as a minute. For an instant I was important, for an instant I had their respect, for an instant it did not hurt anymore…