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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : July 2006 : A Letter Never Written

A Letter Never Written

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Dear Shelly,

Of all the prisoners that I have written, there were only three that I had a sense would make the change. Of those three you were the smartest, prettiest, most socially adept, and definitely the most personable. And of all three you had the greatest motivation to become a new person - your young triplets. You had a family there to help you when you got out, and friends that loved and supported you. You were not one who got out with no one and nothing.

So when you got out, we talked on the phone a few times, then you wandered off into your own life. I did not worry. Early this year out of the blue I received a thank you card and an apology for not keeping better in touch. It felt good to be thought about. I responded with a letter.

Last night you became the stupidest of all the people I have written. You were the smartest, but when I saw you advertising again for pen pals because you were again incarcerated it shocked, saddened, and angered me all at the same time. If you were the smartest you are now surely the stupidest for allowing yourself to do anything that jeopardized your freedom.

What saddens me most is the three kids who at six, are now for the second time in their life without their mother. Can you not see past yourself at all? Can you not see how they will be scarred forever? Forever they will have rotten relationships with rotten people because they fear abandonment. A fear you instilled at a young age.

I am also saddened that this letter will never be sent. It is more for me to vent. I have a long standing rule that I do not write to those reincarcerated. I write to make people think and feel and I try to inspire each to be the best they can be. I try to get the self shame and self worthlessness out of them and try to get them to believe they can and are a person of value. In short I invest a lot of me in each person I write. When one fails, it hurts me, almost as a surrogate parent would feel. I failed.

On the other hand I do not invest myself twice in something that does not seem plausible.

Shelly, all the women I write have one common theme. Most were sexually molested as a child. Usually this was by someone that they trusted. Then in their dating years they seek out the bad boys. They never realize for an instant that it is the subconscious wanting protection from ever being hurt again like they were when they were molested. They were unable to protect themselves and stop what was occurring. The bad boys are the ones they think will protect them from ever again feeling that unsafe.

Unfortunately the bad boys use them for other things. Most have been beaten by their boyfriends. A lot are in jail because of going along with what their old man was doing. Some become prostitutes in the name of their love. In the end the one common theme is that every woman I have ever written has terrible relationships with men. And that which hurt them as a child, continues to hurt them all of their lives. Trusting and being attracted to the wrong type of person for love.

I am so sorry that you continue on your path of self destruction. Find out why you dislike yourself so, and then you can change the path. All is deep inside.

I pray that you can fix you. No one else can. No one else can or should ever be responsible for your happiness. Happiness does not come from love. Happiness comes from within. It takes deep introspection, faith and belief to change. Faith in yourself and in some kind of god. We have to believe that we do have help out there. It takes hard work. It means crossing through the pain of many years ago. It means sacrifice. It is not an easy voyage. One does not have to be strong to make the voyage, but one will be stronger because they do. It just takes dedication and perseverance.

But anything in life that is worth it takes work, time, and sacrifice.

I hope you realize that you as a mom cannot live for you anymore. You have to consider the impact of every action and every word on your children. They deserve so much more. You know it. Time to grow up, put fun and adventure aside and be a person that inspires and gives instead of one that is just a bump of the log of life and takes.

I slept so little last night, both angry and saddened by your return to prison. That and the fool that used me a couple of years ago make it hard for me to get up and have a good day these days. I will and am dealing with that fool.

You though, I almost said forget it, I am not going through this again. I lay in my bed in depression most of the day, and finally caught my breath. I refuse to let your failure possibly not allow me to be there for someone else.

All I have are words to give and hope. With so many they are wasted words. But I try. Maybe this time I will find the true third. So I go back and do it again.

It really is not about the numbers though. It is about sowing seeds.

It is all I can do.

My prayers for you tonight.

My prayers for your kids every night.

Sadly,
Errol