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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : July 2006 : Loves Choices...

Loves Choices...

Love….

If I were to list the things I wanted in a woman, they would be far from the two women I was in love with and the one I married.

How fickle my heart. That is why I have always said that love is a gift to me. When it happens it happens quickly and without warning. And the person that my heart aches for is not at all like what is on my list.

Take for example my last GF. Stuck up, frumpy, along for the ride, could give a crap about nature or about helping the world. She just wanted to be in a world that is constant, without change, and without controversy. Fear is her driving force. As long is it is not her problem, it is somebody else's. On top of that she is defined by those she calls friends. Their opinion is more important to her, than what she needs or wants in life. Of course when one avoids that introspective look, they never know what they need or want in life. You gotta know you first. She also lied. To me and to herself. Usually you lie to me once and you are gone. But I put up with it hoping for better days. She certainly did not deserve me.

She confessed to me that she bought a car she did not want, just so as to not have the salesman mad. Talk about a people pleaser.

OK. And she was totally unlike the very first 30 years ago. Cathey was a beautiful soul, torn between daddy and me. And with the distance daddy eventually won out for a while. In the end she paid the ultimate price. She was from money. And that was part of the problem. For in those days I was a hippy. I met her by accident, and bam, it hit us both. She was unafraid, impulsive, thoughtful, considerate, and cared about the world. But she was a daddy's girl and as long as I was near, everything was fine, but my mother's illness brought me back to the south and in the end Daddy had too much time with her.

Now I love a lot of people. With my wife, I kept thinking it would grow into what I had before. It never did. I married a friend hoping love would come and in the end I divorced a friend. But she is the first to admit she is better because of our marriage. I wear that with much pride.

It just struck me as to how my emotions are really not under my control. I wish they were. I would have been able to match the person up to the list I have made over and over in my life. But it does not work that way for me. I meet the matches and there is no spark, nothing… Just like a dead battery.

I was thinking about this while the sun was setting today. I was watching a dozen or so cardinals. There always seem to be more males than females, but it is obvious when one is paired up. They do court. How do they know which one they should end up with? Is it instinct? Maybe the strongest is who the female picks? Or is it an emotional tie? If it is not an emotional tie, then who chooses whom?

And like people, some birds are together for a season. Others like the Blue Birds are together for life. I can attest to affection between birds. I can attest to a flirting like activity. I can attest to the need for attention from their spouse. I feel that they do feel something for each other. Is it love?

At times Teal, the female Blue Bird will act like a baby bird while Blue, her mate feeds. She will sit on a branch and beg like a new fledgling until he brings her a worm. At other times while she is sitting on the eggs, he eats and then brings a bunch of meal worms to her. Is that just his job, or does he care? I can say he is always on guard over her. I have seen him put himself between her while she ate and a hawk sitting in a tree. If the hawk came, he would come to Blue first.

I think in my next life if there is such a thing I want to be a Male Blue Bird, or some species that mates for life. I have done most of this journey alone and am sure the experience is meant to be shared. Blue and I are much the same when mated. I have to believe that they are capable of love to last a lifetime together.