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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : August 2006 : Odds and Ends.......

Odds and Ends.......

Odds and Ends…

I find what is happening here happens with every blog I have.. Currently that is 2. One I have on another site. The other is here and recently I have just been posting the same in both places. And now people searching for phrases have found both.

After a while when people comment, well a relationship does build. And with that I find that I censor what I write based on what may hurt another. For instance if someone is blogging about a death that is someone that reads me and I want to write about a suicidal feeling then I won't. Mostly out of consideration for their predicament.

So to that end I have now started Blog number three at a private site. And I am sorry to say, it really is going to be done anonymously. I have much to say that I would never share with those that care about me. Mainly to spare their feelings - but thoughts that I have no one I trust enough to share with.

A while ago the stuff I have been coughing up every morning turned from green to black. That scared me. My mother dying as I Stood there from cancer did not scare me. All the warnings did not scare me, but that scared me.

A part of - no a lot of it is that in many ways I am becoming what I so hate. And in doing that I find now that I go to bed at like 5 or 6 in the morning and spend the day in bed. Back to being a night person. That limits the time with the birds and garden and so much more. The exceptions are time with Blane, the hospital work, Wal Mart and doctors appointments.

What I do all night is play poker. And when I began to play I began to chain smoke. Not intentionally, but when one went out another was lit. It was a non thinking action. And at the point the black crap was coming up I was smoking four packs a day.

The first thing I did was buy a timer and set it for 15 minutes. That meant I had four cigarettes an hour. Still that was 2 packs a day. And still the lungs were suffering. In time I increased it little by little and am down to 2 cigarettes an hour or sometimes even less than that. I have gone from ten cartons a month to three. Still I am not proud, but I am proud of the advancement.

The crap is back to clearish white, a lot less, and of course it is better for me. Will I quit? I don't know. It has been crossing my mind. All I know is I will not decrease the time between cigarettes ever again. And every time I have publicly admitted I was trying to quit I jinxed myself - time will tell.

And I really have had little stress cutting back to ¼ of what I used to smoke. I am not eating more. I am not bitching at the dogs more than usual. The timer was a great idea for me. It helped me regulate the time between cigarettes and expand it at a comfortable pace.

Years ago when I got paid daily, I bought my cigarettes daily. And one day I just did not go. I had no real withdrawals or problems and did not smoke for three years. In April of 1999 when I was in Intensive care for 15 days there were no cigarettes, but it was the first thing I wanted when I got out.. No not wanted, DEMANDED, when I got out. Go figure.

When I psyche myself up to quit, I fail. I have patched and gum I bought for Jan 1 unopened in the other room. OH AND THEY SAY do not smoke on the patch. DON't!!!! I did and well it was not pleasant. I thought I was having a heart attack!

During this process one thing set me to thinking. If something is truly addicting and we need it, why then can we sleep for 8 or more hours without it? I do not awaken and run to my cigarettes? Is addiction something that is occurring only during waking hours? I would think if one truly physically needed something they would need it 24 hours a day.

An Alcoholic will drink themselves to sleep, and that stays in the system slowly clearing out and then they reload upon awakening. THEY HAVE TO HAVE A CERTAIN LEVEL. Same with Junkies.

But a smoker does not intoxicate themselves with nicotine right before bedtime to increase the level to make it through the night. Is smoking truly a physical addiction? Is overeating? Is sex? All have groups that call them selves for addicts. Maybe it is for people who have no impulse control?

And Finally….

I always said I wrote to make people think and feel..

In high school the big thing was Logic Problems. Not the kind you see in magazines with all the charts but solving something by asking questions. The person posing the problem is only allowed three answers - Yes, No, Irrelevant.

Well as I was sitting in the yard yesterday one came upon me. My very own creation. And it is pretty easy actually.

See if you can figure it out. If you want ask the questions via email and I will answer. But only with YES NO or Irrelevant.

If you like it I can give you a few more I remember and of course the hardest one of them all. I think if you are not my age, you have little or no chance of solving that one..

See you next trip….