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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : August 2006 : Used to be….

Used to be….

I would spend all night looking through the personal ads online.
Anyways the loneliness ate me alive. I wondered what if on this one, and why not on others. (I have an ad up all over the place and need to go around and revise all of my ads.)

I have not spent my time like that in quite a while now.

A few days ago I got an interesting junk email advertising yet again another site. I went to the site and looked through some the listings. One interesting thing that this site had, that maybe others do as well and I have not noticed, was the question "What is your biggest fear." I was surprised at the response most often listed by the women over 40. In fact it was almost always listed. It stuck with me and bothered me.

After some time there I came to Myspace and was "Myspace Trolling". That is the term I use when I go read someone's blog that I am subscribed to and find someone in the comments that strikes my interest, and go to their site and blogs often to find someone's comments there that interest me.

Anyways after the first blog I read I found a comment by Debbie
that I followed. There she had a few poems up and one was simply titled "Written By Me".

It so deeply touched me and added to what I had seen earlier. I urge you to read it and take a look at Debbie's other poems.

The answer most often listed on the dating site was "I Fear Dying Alone". And to be honest I fear it for one reason, that it may take days or weeks for my body to be discovered and someone to care for my dogs. They are the only reason I continue on being on. It is not what I fear the most though. What I fear the most is having lived a meaningless life.

But after reading Debbie's Poem I realized that sadly, the response given by so many on the dating site was not what it seemed. Few die alone. And usually if they do, it is in a catastrophic event. One that happens so quickly that they never see it coming. Usually one dies in a hospital. And there they are surrounded by family, friends, staff - a lot of caring people.

What the poem made me realize was that these people were not at all saying what they were saying. They should have said, "I fear dying unloved." For it is loneliness, that puts myself and others on the personals meat racks.

I am 53, and it was last year amidst all the pain the last person in my life caused me that I realized that I will probably die unloved. Sure there are a few friends that love me. But what people are looking for is that connection that we all think will make our lives better. The minute I was able to accept that the incessant loneliness disappeared.

I thought about the old age options that are available place today.

A nursing/old folks home is the saddest of them all for me. People are warehoused there - out of their family's way, discarded in a sense, not worth the extra effort needed to care for an oldster. Sure if there are medical reasons, I can see someone being better off in there. But for many, it is just a way to not have to spend time looking after mother and dad. So many other cultures cherish the elderly, and have them live with family until death. Are we that caring?

Then of course if one can afford it there are retirement communities. Where people who have the funds buy a nice house and play at living and enjoying life. To me that is a phony existence. Sorry, but I have no want to get up and play golf or fish with the boys every day of my life.

But what about those of us who have no family and are not wealthy? What are the options? I think I will end up in one of those old hotels where old men await death, as my father is today. This is one thing I swore that would never occur, that I would end up like my father, but it appears to be the future.

If I had the money, the organizational skills, I would start an old folks commune. One where each person had their own sleeping/bathing areas but a communal kitchen and communal living area. And I would have the people involved in something that helped the world. Maybe a cheap day care center for the money strapped. Maybe an after school tutoring project for no cost.

Funding would be a percent of each persons pension or social security, donations and any money earned. I think of all the abandoned military bases, and how perfect they would be. The kitchen facilities and housing are there. Some renovations would be needed to make the barracks into separate quarters with a bathroom and sitting area. Some sheetrock, plumbing, and a little time.

There love would form between the members. A family none would have without such a place. Then the commitment to the project(s) would serve to keep minds active and alert. And most importantly the ability to give to others who need, gives one life's greatest value.

All work and no play, right? Not at all. Monthly there would be something big done. Maybe a weekend camping trip. Or travel to someplace on four day weekends. All done as a group. This monthly thing would cause bonding and probably opportunities to do things that one alone never would.

Of course during the week we could have activities at night or not. What ever the consensus wants.

I guess I am thinking about this as an option, because if I cannot or will not have the ability to sit on a rocker on a porch with someone I am deeply in love with or committed to, I would much rather do it with friends, than alone. And I am thinking about this because I never want to stop giving back to the world I live in.

So few realize the rewards of giving to the world and the strangers in it. We write our checks, lick the envelope, put the check in and five minutes later it is forgotten. But we have done our piece…. Or have we? Have we done even a thousandth of what we could?

Anyway back to what began all of this. A year ago I had to accept that no one could ever love me as much as I could love them. Except for one, and that one was god. The god of my belief, or of your belief, is the one that has never turned away, loves, cares and protects you. With that faith, life, old age, and death is much easier to face. One is never alone spiritually.

I have to thank my ex GF in one respect, the hurt was so deep, so to the bone, so total the destruction, that it caused this shift in what I want in my life. I will die peacefully. I have no guilt to carry with me. She will forever have to realize that one day, judgment will come. One day she will pay the price for her actions. For the rest of her life she will live with her own actions and deceit haunting her. I am sure I am everywhere in her life everyday. Even more so when she is old, lonely and wondering what her life was really all about.

I have always wanted the cuddling, the intimacy, the closeness, the union of two. Now it is not important. If it comes it comes, if not I am none the worse. Ultimately it is one of those things I have no control over and it is up to god. I am not closed to it occurring, but I am not allowing that loneliness to ever eat me up again as it did for so many years. If it is meant to occur, it shall. I am tired of weeding out the dregs, alcoholics, desperate and out of touch that I seem to draw to me romantically. I will never settle for less than what I felt last time.

Maybe I have grown, and simply learned to define myself more?

Maybe I love myself a little better than I ever have?

We will all end our lives as we are supposed to in the greater scheme of things. None of us can control whom we will meet, or when. What we can control is our fear and the marriage that may result because of the fear of being alone, of being unloved.

Something is not always better than nothing.