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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : August 2006 : YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to give up on yourself.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to give up on yourself.

I have been meaning to broach a subject for a while now. And reading another blog just a while ago gave me the impetus to get my fingers off their asses.

10 years ago.

Dee is 69. She has run a small diner downtown here forever. Cheap lunches and greasy burgers. A nice lady always with a smile and a story to tell. She also makes the best egg and sausage sandwiches that I have ever had.

One day Dee asked me if I could help her with her computer. I said sure and that weekend I went to her house. I was met by her two small poodles and a husband that was indifferent to my presence. In fact I saw him for a second and he was gone.

I helped her install some new software, explained how to use the internet and showed her a few tricks. She was new to the world of computing but wanted to manage her stocks on the net.

As the afternoon progressed I mentioned that her husband was sure shy. She laughed and explained that they led separate lives. He lived on one side of the house and she the other. They had been like this for over thirty years, strangers bound by a loveless marriage.

I left pretty upset. She was such a nice lady. And in her days had to have been beautiful. Why did she choose to waste her life?

Today….

I do not know how many women I have talked to like Dee over the years. Women that refuse to take the chance to live. Women with either finances as an excuse, or fear of change who accept an unhappy and unfulfilled life as their fate. Why are people so afraid?

It is the problem of self loathing. People who have terrible feelings about themselves doubt that they can succeed at anything. So their life passes and they go through the motions. All the while they dream of what they will never have.

People tell me that I am easy to talk to. And in fact I have people open up and tell me things that I would never suspect or even ask about in real life. A roofer who did a repair ended up telling me about his life, and how he loves Cialis and Viagra. He admitted to trying ecstasy and showed me nudes of his girlfriend that he carries around. A kid? Nope this guy is a few years older than me. Kids and dogs also love me.

As I cruise the net, when I see someone post something that seems like they are in distress I immediately respond. I have seen too many suicides in my life due to loneliness. And maybe I suffered enough pain as a child that it just plain hurts me to see anyone hurting. Most answer glad to have someone to talk to that they can feel really cares about them and their happiness.

I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to inspire them to do anything to change their situations. Sure a shelter doesn't seem like much of a place, but if viewed as a start, a seed, then it is a new beginning. Many have family and friends that would help them out, but view the act of leaving as failure. Failure is staying and wasting the precious time we have. As I say over and over again, failure is not trying.

Most of these women are not abused in any manner. Love just left, or their paths separated, but for all intents and purposes they are roommates with a man. And other varied roles as needed.

Every now and then one begins to see my kindness as more than what it is. That gets complicated, but from the beginning I let them know it is simply friendship. They have been so long without caring emotions towards them, that they lap hungrily at any caring kindness like a thirsty dog. If I sense this is occurring I reinstate the perspective or if I have to remove myself. I am wise enough to realize that a rebound relationship is doomed.

I do not know why so many people fear doing whatever it takes to be happy? I do not know why so many people are defeated by their own attitudes and beliefs. Everyone has good and bad within. How do they not see their worth and value? Sure a few have been brow beaten into the submissive role they see themselves in. But many have not. Many fear being alone more than being miserable with someone.

I cannot comprehend a lot of things. Some of them - we as mortals are not meant to see or understand. But one thing I do know is that we all have the ability to fight for our happiness and place in this world. And I do know that everyone has worth and good in them.

Why not go for the change? Can it really be any worse? Or do they tell themselves that they are not worthy of a better state?

My ex wife, for some reason, after the divorce all of a sudden turned onto me again. She had by that time moved 5 hours away, but would drive up here weekends and spend them with me. We never had sex, but she wanted to.

After a few months I realized that I had to cut her loose. I wanted her to get on with her life. I wanted her to find that man that could really love her as she deserved. So I did the one thing I hate most, I lied to her. I told her I was involved with someone.

She never again called or came by again. Sure it hurt her, and I am sorry for that. But if I had not done it, she would still be here every weekend 11 years later. Sure it was nice to have the company, someone to go to dinner with, someone to talk to. But she had hope for more. And I knew what we had, we had - and it was over.

For the men that have these women in tow, why would they want to change anything? I mean they have sex when and if they want it. They have meals, a house cleaner, a maid, --- life is good. They are as much to blame as the woman who won't do a thing to help themselves.

No matter how many kids, how little education, - there is no excuse. If you want something bad enough you can make it happen. It does the kids no good to be raised in an atmosphere like that. In many instances there are not even kids involved.

It simply is a matter of doing it. The first step is the hardest.

I wish all had a husband as I who was willing to throw mama from the train so to speak.

Life is too short and precious. Live it daily, minute by minute not as an illusion in your mind. Face the realities of your situation whatever it is, and enjoy it if you are fulfilled. If not, then you not only cheat yourself, but your kids, and the rest of the world.

People content with their lives have a way of sharing that contentedness and like a virus, others are impacted, and their lives improve.

No one has the right to give up on themselves.