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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : August 2006 : Decisions... And Change...

Decisions... And Change...

Little by little the signs of change appear. Leaves begin to turn brown. The Blue Bird family - now seven strong - used to come together. Now they come in ones and twos, with independence gained with coming of age. Fewer are the babies being taught life's lessons these days.

I observe all this silently, my emotions mixed. Time passes, things change, seconds lost are unrecoverable. I hate to see the babies leave for life is a cruel adventure to say the least if you are a bird. Yet I welcome the fall and cooler weather. I love doors open and fresh air coming in to remove the dog and smoke smells of winter and summer.

Change is inevitable. Something that cannot be stopped, even if one ever wanted to. I like change. I like the feeling of what's next. Life's surprises often not good ones, are all ones that will cause me to grow. When in the deepest emotional pain I remind myself it will pass, and I will be stronger, and hopefully wiser. When in the highest moments of happiness I strive to remember every second.

People that fear or resist change are an enigma to me. Without change life is stale. Things the same day in and day out may be safe, but it is not life. No matter how much one resists changes, they will occur. Is it not easier to ride the crest of the wave rather than to try to swim through it?

OK this is not the real issue. I have been torn by a decision I need to make. Should I change my rules, or break them maybe one time? Am I too stern?

Shelly, whom I wrote a piece about a while back, must have sensed that I was thinking about her. For since then I have gotten several letters. In them were a million apologies for letting me down..( She only let herself and kids down.) There were a thousand ways she has changed to ensure she will never be in jail again. There have been a hundred tears cried over her mistakes.

She wants me to write. She is begging me to write.

She has family. They support her and for the third time her very old parents are again raising her triplets because she is incarcerated. Not exactly how they planned to live their old age. Lord knows she doesn't need me - yet the soft spot in me reverberates with her words. And I so hope her words are true.

I have always said I would not write to someone again that has re-offended. After investing my time, emotions, and words one time, I always felt that it best to give another the support I offer than someone who has traveled the road to prison again.

I do want her to succeed for her kids sake. She is not the run of the mill drugged out prostitutes that I usually end up writing to. She is smart, and she has a great personality. She just makes stupid decisions about men, and always ends up in an abusive relationship. That leads to drugs, which further impairs her bad judgment. This time she is incarcerated because she falsified some government documents.

I have heard it all before from everyone I write. This is what I am going to different, this time it will work..(Yoga and Meditation in Shelly's case) What is really different this time? The only way the few that do succeed do, is by reclaiming their life through healing past wounds, and having a spiritual awakening. Too many of these people get lost in the want to have fun. Too many of these people blame it on everyone but themselves.

What tempts me to write Shelly, to try one more time with her is the talk of Yoga and Meditation. Is she really exploring and trying to understand why she does what she does? In the end she is so very self destructive and I do not think she sees it. Could a letter make any difference? Could a letter do any harm? Is it fair to the rest that I have ignored that asked for a second chance?

This little thing has me torn..

This change, if I make it, is one of the hardest I have ever made. It always is the little things in life that throw me. I can handle the big ones.

What the hell, a little time and 39 cents.. What can I lose?

All I need is for god to give me the words that will matter, or make a difference. I pray he does.. Not for my sake but for Shelly's triplets sake.