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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : August 2006 : A Happy Loving Family....

A Happy Loving Family....

In high school the big thing was "finding oneself". Or it was in my days.. Simply trying to understand who we were in the world, and why we did what we did was the aim of the endeavor. And it seems to me that ever since high school, I have been asking myself why I did or said something. I have never found enough to be satisfied I guess.

My short time in college was spent double majoring in psychology and sociology. I knew I was screwed up, and I wanted to get unscrewed. But I tired of reading about lab rats and monkeys and how to get them to do a behavior. The only thing of value that I did do during that time was to volunteer at a V.A. closed psych ward. I will never forget the paranoid schizophrenic that hallucinated women and then have sex with them. (At times I wonder if that really that was bad?)

I have had years of counseling and read more self help books than I care to try and remember. And in the end I learned to do whatever it is that works for you. The real search is finding what that is.

What I found amazed me. So much of who I am was formed so early in my life. Four years of age and before - for the most part. I have been able to answer many of the questions I have asked of myself by looking back for an event or events that occurred then, and that I replicate as an adult or that causes me to react overly negatively.

For the most part it is a painful search. Little of what I had to deal with about myself was positive. Negative behavior was instilled in me by negative events. It was not an easy process, nor was it fast. The process for me is never ending is still something I work at every day.

To really fix parts of me, I had to go back in time. No I could not change the events, but understanding what the trigger was initially helped me deal with how to heal, cure, and forgive. Some of my quirks I have no explanation for and I do not naively expect to answer all of my questions about my actions and reactions.

I have little in the way of external resources, but what I do I use. I will email my sister and ask her if she can think of anything that might have instilled a behavior in me. There have been times when she had the answer.

My sister is a recovering alcoholic. I myself have an addictive personality so I watch my consumption very closely. When we were very young our household was one where each tried to survive. There was a lot of abuse and brutality there. The head and undeniable ruler was my father. Much of what we learned at a young age came from him. Much of it affected us as adults.

When dad was happy he drank. When dad was sad he drank. When dad was mad he drank. When dad was bored he drank. When dad was entertaining he drank. Dad drank all the time. So as children over and over we were subjected to his behavior. At such a young age we learned that to deal with life, alcohol was needed.

One of my main punishments that was non violent was being sent to bed without dinner. More nights than not I sat at the top of the stairway and cried while dinner was eaten below. Occasionally and at great risk to herself my mother would attempt to sneak me food. If caught she was violently punished. So I learned that bad was hungry, and that good was full.

This then resulted in a weight problem that I have battled with all of my life. In my kitchen right now is food that has been there for years. Much of it needs to be thrown away. I keep backups of backups, I impulse buy, my cabinets and freezers are stuffed with things that will never be eaten. All because more nights than many I went to bed hungry - I fear not having food. Also when I get upset I tend to overeat.

I can go on and on. Where I can see where my behavior is traceable back to things in my early childhood. Things and actions my parents took in the moment that would scar me and cause problems later on, some to be life long.

The two examples above are minor compared to others that I choose to retain at this point in time. Some of the worst of the events I repressed.

At 12, my sister who was 19, and I were seeing the same Psychiatrist in New Orleans. Dr. Van Spruell was his name. In her talks with him she mentioned things that she thought really impacted me. Some of them he would approach me with. Some I had already talked about. Of those that he approached me, some I denied ever occurring. Only after hypnosis and reliving them did I recall them. Some I wish I never had recalled. But in the end, they helped me understand my bizarre and sometimes violent actions of later years. After one particular memory recovery I refused to let him do any more. I had had enough pain. So there may be more, but I have no interest in seeking them out.

Parents have to have ways to discipline children. And usually the act of disciplining a child is done in love, and done in a productive way. The discipline is done not in anger. My father's life was an angry one. Everything he did was spurred on by anger and booze. His abuse was usually dished out while he was raging. It was cruel, and it was non productive - but mostly totally destructive.

Parents are the model of what a child will be. And when one parent is broken or missing, the impact on the child is tremendous. When the parent does things that hurt themselves, they hurt the child as well. A self destructive parent often rears a self destructive kid. Any and all actions can change a child forever and this must be constantly in ones mind who has kids.

It was much later in life when I learned why I stayed in bad relationships way too long. It was due to my fathers alcoholism. My fear of abandonment was caused because he was a drunk!! I read about this first in a book entitled How To Break Your Addiction to a Person. In it they mentioned a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics, a group dedicated to helping and identifying problems related to children in an alcoholic household. If either of your parents was an alcoholic, it might be worth a google to see what, if anything, they address might be an issue with you. Or you may just be surprised by what the later life effects can be from such a household.

I do not know if my father would have been any different if he knew the problems my sister and I would have to address in life because of his actions and words. He certainly should never have been a father. Life was revolving around him, when it should have been revolving around the family. He did what he did, without any thought to repercussions. And to this date, he denies any abuse ever occurred.

He remembers a happy loving family.