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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : September 2006 : Self Definition

Self Definition

WHO I AM….

Who are you??

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Someone I knew a couple of years ago was always defined by her friends and the man she was with. She had no self definition. Her role at the time was wife and mother and friend. All honorable positions.

When her marriage failed unexpectedly, she began to see that those she thought that loved her had mocked her and treated her as if she were a piece of furniture. Life was passionless and without meaning. She all of a sudden had no role. Her one child was in college, her husband had always made the decisions. All she had left were her friends.

And those friends supported her for a bit, but when the depression stayed longer than they wished they stood back, waiting for the fun person to again emerge. This devastated her even more. True fair weather friends…

She was a person who was defined by present company. A chameleon. Someone who actually bought a car they did not want because they were afraid of upsetting a salesman. A people person through and through never defined for who she is/was/will be.

All of a sudden she had a chance to define herself. Find out who she was and to be a unique person. But she had never been that. It scared her. And she worried what her friends might think about things. So the end result is that she remarried, her friends are happy, so she is happy, her husband is happy, so she is happy.. Or is she really? I wonder if she can see that she went full circle. Back where she began at.

What bothers me the most about this person is that they, the few times they journeyed within, produced poetry and writings that are - well they make anything I can do seem like first grade. But to tap that talent you have to be willing to feel your deepest feelings, and be truthful with yourself and the world. She would rather live above ground distracted by anything and everything and trying to be all to everyone. And that saddens me. I think if someone has a gift they better use it to better the world. But being a people pleaser one worries too much about criticism and people not liking what one writes.

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Have you ever defined yourself on paper? Listing only the absolutes? It is an interesting experience. And one that we all can learn from. I will give you some examples of my absolutes. But first I will tell you what an absolute is.. It is a characteristic of yours that you will never bend or change regardless. It defines who you are and the people around you have to accept it to accept you.

Ready, here is one.

I detest unfairness and will battle it anyway I can. For example, I have capabilities of revenge on a person that hurt me greatly. Nothing anyone can say or do will deter me if I do it. It has nothing to do with anyone but me and that person, and if someone judges me not friend worthy because of it.. So Be It. This person is perpetrating a fraud on everyone she knows and mostly them self.

Another.

I will not lie about anything that can cause any harm. I will lie to you about a present, or a practical joke.. But I will never lie when it could hurt someone.

Years ago I lied about everything. And I believed those lies! But one of my major changes in the late 1970's included swearing never to lie again. I do not do it. I won't do it.

I kind of did it a few months ago. When all of a sudden I stopped blogging, someone wanted me to not mention certain things that were part of my life. To me that was almost lying by omission. So I chose to not blog during that time. A big mistake as I was really not true to myself.

So in an exercise listing ones absolutes, you are in fact finding the adjectives that define who you are. First for me is fair, then next honest. Others about me are spiritual, giving, forgiving, thankful, strong, survivor, intellectual, emotional, passionate, and vengeful. Although the vengeful one is one that has not occurred in 30 years it is there. You hurt me enough, or you hurt anyone I love, or you hurt a dog.. see what happens. I can define mean ugly and heartless in this mode. I have no regards as to what repercussions may occur.

Luckily 99 percent of stuff rolls off of me. And usually if someone is bothering me - I tell them and it ends. So to hurt me enough for vengefulness to occur, takes a lot of time and effort.

I am a people pleaser in some minor ways. Like I care that a person not see my house at its worst. I care that they are comfortable when here. I care that they respect my boundaries. Other than that I don't much think I care what people think.

For sure in my dress I don't. LOL.. I do not keep up at all with styles. My ex used to tell me what to wear.. And I did because it made her happy and I really did not care.

So I am defined. I know who I am, what I am about, and for the most part can trace back to how this trait began in my life.

All of the isolation I was subjected to from day one through the age of seven made me a person who needs no one. Having no one makes one reliant on no one. Having no one instills a need to not please someone for their acceptance. The person who bought the car spent her whole childhood trying to gain her mothers love. She sought acceptance 24/7 and has never stopped to this day.

I like being the way I am. I am real, I am tangibly defined, and for Christ's sake, if I buy a vehicle it is one I want and on my terms!!!!!!

So who are you??