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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : September 2006 : The War WIthin....

The War WIthin....

Soft and Gentle breeze, wind chimes banging against each other, as the sun watches the birds come and go.

A fool sits exhausted, after a day spent pushing to hard and trying to do what he once could. Soon to bed - the reward for his toils, losing precious time only because he hurries after what need not be hurried after.

Nothing is so important to make yourself sick over. Yet I do it over and over again. I push and push, frustrated - that what I once could accomplish in a time span, I no longer can. What was relaxing and fulfilling becomes more and more like a job that I hate to go to.

The shame of it is that I am the maker of the todo lists. I drive myself to this.

A man often judges his self worth by his profession. That is why there are a lot of suicides after one unexpectedly loses their place in the work force. I loved what I did when I was employed and I was very good at it. I found so much self value and satisfaction in the hours and years I worked.

Now, I find myself in this unreal situation that I could do nothing at all for the rest of my life. I could throw away all pens and paper and make no more lists of chores and things to get done. I could clear my plate forever. The truth is I have never been one good at doing nothing. All the while I try there is this voice inside chiding me, about what could be or should be done.

At first the planting, and tilling and sowing is relaxing and fun. Then as I get further and further behind on my lists, instead of relishing the moment and opportunity of growing flowers and food, I instead get lost in what once was and what is never more.

The lists I make, broken down by day, never get completed. For I make the lists with the me in mind that once was. The me that could accomplish everything with time to spare. The whole strong unbroken me.

I set myself up for failure and in the end I am angry, frustrated and hateful of my disability and age. I do not want to be what I am. I want to be what I was. I want to work as fast as I used to, be as strong as I used to, and feel as good at the end of the day like I used to.

Nevermore..

Someday I will set up a list that I can accomplish. Then relish in the satisfaction of succeeding in what I set out to do. Until then I battle the realities and unrealities of what I am and what I will never be again. Until then I set myself up for failure, over and over and over again.

I can accept anything about anyone.. But when it comes to me, the truth of who I am today, scares me, I hate it, and I try endlessly to prove it to be a lie.

Breathe deeply...

Relax...

It is ok, Errol. You do not have to be what you were. Just be you. Slow down and enjoy each grain of dirt, each seed set, and each bloom.

Listen to the gentle sounds of the chimes, and realize that you control your life, as much as they can control the motion of being pushed by the wind.

We have no choices as to how we are. Only how we choose to deal with who and what we are.

Wisdom is learning to enjoy the sway of the winds of life.

I have never claimed to be wise.