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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : September 2006 : A Long Night....

A Long Night....

9/11/2006

Is this the night? The phone has not rang. It was supposed to 90 minutes ago, he has never been this late. Never. Yes it is Monday, it is the right night.

I call the place he lives, I leave a message for him to call me.

Is he there dead in his room, or did he forget this was Monday. Never before has he forgotten and never before has he been more than 15 minutes late. At 88 much is possible including the cell phone battery is dead. Or is he dead?

My emotions are pinging all over the scale. Fear, Sadness, joy, apprehension, and hope. I am tired.. Tired…

Added to that I have been hiding something for the past three months. Gosh it seems like forever. Depression has kept me bedridden. I get up for a few hours at a time then retreat to my bed. Sleeping 16-18 hours a day is not good. I am guessing it is depression, it started when I found out my Ex GF had gotten married. I guess I had always hoped. I don't feel depressed or suicidal though.

It is one of lifes harder moments for me right now. I do not want to spend the rest of my life sleeping. My anti depressant dosage has been doubled. Hopefully that will help. And it is not like I do not have housework to do, or yard work, it is just that I cannot stay awake. UGH….

105 minutes have passed…..

I will do what I have to to make this sleeping problem disappear. I do not want to spend the rest of my life sleeping. There is too much to do. Too much….

115 minutes……

Last week on the phone, my father barely stayed on 30 seconds. He said he was tired and had been doing nothing but sleeping. But he is 88.

I sure hope this is not something one does before death.

All I ask is that I outlive my dogs..

I think I deserve that.

125 Minutes….

Time… How much I hate it at times like this….

I always wondered if we are like the caterpillar.. Is this the early stage. Death the cocoon and then in time as the body rots the butterfly comes forth. All this in another dimension.

I am so tired of being a caterpillar!

140 minutes….

I always thought I would feel nothing at the time of his death. After all the misery of my early years and the damage done that is irreparable, I thought I would feel free. I thought it would be a lot of closure. Joy.

I hated that he ended up the way he did. A sad lonely old man living alone. I swore that would never be my end. Yet here I sit. Apprehension.

160 minutes

What if he has been in that room decomposing since last week? What if the sleep he mentioned was the final sleep? Fear.

I wanted a daddy for 40 years. Then I realized he could never be what I expected. I was so sad at that realization. But I was finally free, too.

I hope the phone rings. I hope it doesn't.

180 minutes

What ever gods plan is, let it be. I will learn to accept it, and move on.

I surprise myself at how much emotion I am feeling….

I always thought I would just be numb…

210 minutes

and counting…..

Thunder outside… Rain maybe…

It always rains when big events happen in my life…

Going to fix a drink, let the dogs out, and see if there are drops
Or just noise…

The ground is damp… I just called again.. and the girl at the desk said that she saw him this afternoon. And that he looked fine…

So I guess all this worry and all this is for naught…

Except to show me that it will not be a period of numbness..

Tell those in your life that are aged you love them…

Just because…

I wish I had a father I could…