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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : September 2006 : Expectations, Facts, What we deserve.

Expectations, Facts, What we deserve.

What I expected from my father…..

Love

Security

Shelter

Food

Clothing

Education

Life's Lessons

What I got from my father.

Emotional Abuse
Physical Abuse
Alienantion
Segregation

Shelter

Food

Clothing

Education

Life's lessons according to him.

Most of the above are self explanatory. Alienation because I was kept in an oversized closet for the first 18 months of my life. No contact except the maids that came in to feed and tend to me. My mother and sister were wanting, but they too were susceptible to the violence if caught breaking his rules.

What I learned young, Life's Lessons were not the lessons anyone in their right mind would want a child to learn. Hatred, bitterness, unable to totally trust others, to name a few.

"You were an accident." "You were not wanted, your coming ruined the marriage." "You're to fat, I do not want a fat kid." "You walk like a sissy." "You are not smart enough". "You will never amount to anything." "You are a failure, Failure, Failure, FAILURE, FAILURE,".

And so I was..

It was as I believed. It was what was drummed into my head from day 1. It was the truth since my father said it, and if I denied it I got beaten. Daddy is always right. Now I need to learn to live to his expectations. I want is acceptance, With that will come his love, and then I will have the daddy I always wanted.

Again it seems to be back to my father. Back to the beginning. Back to being a baby. I have discussed the emotional abuse and physical abuse previously here. There is no need to re-walk that trail. It took me 40 years of my life to learn that the inner most workings of me, everything I was doing, was either living his definition of me, or trying to gain what I expected of him.

What I deserved from my father.

Love

Security

Shelter

Food

Clothing

Education

Life's Lessons

Again all are deceived in expectations. How can I expect another to behave when I am not in control of that persons mind or life? What right do I have to expect anything from anyone other than myself?

This is the lesson I learned at 40. I was trying for all those years to make him into what I wanted him to be when I was born. I struggled for his acceptance - one that I would never have because he is incapable of it. I struggled for his love - one that I would never have because he is incapable of it. I struggled for his respect. I struggled to make him into what I expected he should be.

He is not the person that should have ever have been a father. That was and is the facts of this person. He is an angry alcoholic, one who was reared as he reared me. He just passed down his inability to please his father, my grandfather, who also was unpleasable. Anything tried, failed.

In 1979 before my second epiphany, I wrote him a letter. In it I confessed to not being the son he hoped for. And I allowed that he was not the father I had hoped for. I was attempting to build a relationship with him at the time and was searching for common ground.

I said, "I respect you for being a living human being, simply existing. Can you do the same for me and this will be our starting ground?"

Now looking back I see how I set myself up there. Of course the answer was no. I was a hippy, he knew I had done drugs, and detested my life style. But even if I was the CEO of GM the answer would have been the same. I was seeking what he could not give.

Did I deserve what I got as a child? No. No child does. But the adult years I have to take responsibility for. I was seeking what he could not be. And at 40 I finally learned to expect nothing from anyone other than myself. To me the only exception to this is to expect from our children as we mold them.

When the expectations are not met pain is the only possible event. When he would deny me, I would in turn say sub consciously, yes he is right, I am a failure. Then I would punish myself for being that. The punishment was evident in my behavior and choices in life.

Once we can quit expecting anything from others we can limit the amount of pain we suffer. And a lot of that is in self doubt and self loathing. Once our expectations of ourselves are realistic and attainable, we can begin to have confidence and faith in our actions.

Just let people be what they are. I will be the best that I can be today, and hopefully tomorrow even better.

What I can control are my boundaries. And these are simply what I demand from others. I actually only have three rules that I live my life by. Simple, yet they are all I need.

The first two are for everyone that crosses my path. The latter is for someone I love, for that is the only way that I will enter into a sexual relationship. I don't need sex.. I need love..

First is do not lie to me about anything of any importance.
o I define importance as that being where the result would cause pain of any kind, when the truth is revealed and it always is.
o I will lie to you about what is under the Christmas tree or in that package that you are dying to open days before your birthday. I will lie in the commission of a practical joke, and I love to pull practical jokes
o But if it is a lie of deceit, to hurt me , to not hurt me, or to just lie - and I find out. I am gone. Not much time left here compared to the entire amount I had. I choose to not spend one minute of it wondering if someone is telling me ½ truths. I will just cut them out of my world no matter what their position to my heart. And omission is just as good as a lie.

Second. I will listen to anything you have to say - I respect your opinion. And I appreciate well intended criticism. Remember that I, as you, have the right to do whatever I please with the information. Do not nag or keep at me about anything. I will not change for you, maybe because of you but not for you. If you understand this you might also understand why I do walk away from some friends. It is called loving unconditionally. I expect what I give. Conversely what you do with what I say is your decision. Ignore it, consider ramblings of a mad man, take it to heart---- what ever -- I am just saying what I am feeling or seeing at the second. I expect you to do nothing because of anything I say..

Finally. My relationships when sexual are monogamous. If you must exercise your loins with another, respect me enough to leave me first.

They have worked well for me. And I have followed them with one exception and that exception burned me deeply. Had I followed my rules and left with the first lie I would be a stronger better person today.

OK so I realized what my mistake was. I expected him to be something he never could. And when I realized that, it was easier to forgive him, and have some compassion for him. Don't get me wrong, I cannot forget all the things he did in meanness. But I had to go on with my life.

I then had to decide what I could fix, which battle to fight so to speak. And have spent the time since working on those items. I can never have the nurturing of my mother. The time spend when a baby is cuddled, caressed and taught love. No one can give me that. I cannot fix it. So that is a battle not to be fought, just something to accept and live with, and when it arises, keep myself busy and get it out of my mind. Usually remembering what I can be thankful for is the way I deal with it.

The biggest thing though is realizing who my father is. God. God is there to protect me and god does love me. I am perfect in gods eyes and he is all I need. I am so lucky that I have experienced god in my life. I have felt the presence and heard the words. Not often, but enough to know he is with me. And it has made things easier.
And for those that read my blogs, you know that this is a god of my understanding. There is no text or religion involved.

I have always had the father I wanted. I just never looked at it that way. In fact I remember at 5 and 6 hating god and blaming him for everything that ever occurred in my life. But as I got older, I could see the lessons I have learned through the experiences I have been through. And as long as my mistakes are non repetitive, then those experiences, and that pain, has been a blessing.

To change oneself, to really change ones life, there has to be faith. Faith in oneself. But also Faith that there is more than just man, and that entity, will help those that help themselves. I pray often during the day to the god of my understanding. And I hope that the words I write will touch and help another. Maybe not you.. But someone.

There are two lessons I have learned that make life easier for me. They may not apply to everyone, nor may everyone agree. First is that whatever occurs is supposed to and is part of gods plan. And the latter, is things will occur when god wants them to. Not when we want them to. In his time, not ours, for then are we not putting expectations on god?

In the end, it is our own expectations that when unmet cause us the damage. The people are just being who they are. What we deserve in life, expect out of life, and what we get out of life, are never going to be the same three lists.

For Shelly Kyle, 09152006