Why Home
By Month
Musings
Links To Other Great BLOGS!
Click the Box to Email Me!
---------------------------------
Tell Others About This Site!
Subscribe / Unsubscribe
FIND GOD here
DaRk AnGel : Why Home : November 2006 : Our Love....
Our Love....
And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
Now those memories come back to haunt me
they haunt me like a curse
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true
Or is it something worse
that sends me down to the river
though I know the river is dry
That sends me down to the river tonight
- The River Bruce Springsteen
I have been unworthy of so much in my life. I feel to be an imposter at times, such a bad heart in a good skin.. Can they see the darkness behind the blue of my eyes? Mixed with the love that I have to give is the despair and despise I feel when I reflect upon that which is what I see reflected in still water.
How do I reconcile the two? I want the dark to be vanished. I want to confess to someone who loves me regardless of what I say.. Or is it in spite of what I say? I want the hand that lays on my chest to reach in and go to the soul and caress the wounded part of me. Can one have a broken soul? I have asked that question so many many times… But who holds the answer to such a question? The same one that looses lostness…
In the wake of such beauty and peace that I realized that loss stood in the corner smiling. And as I asked about tomorrows, I wanted to scream "Mother do not let him/life hurt me again" quiet enough so that no one would hear. Like a parent, the love we share is much different than what most people ever have. It is there regardless of each others actions, words and thoughts. It has a mind, life, and pulse of it's own. Like the love of a parent for a child, no matter what the child's actions are the love does not waver. The worst thing a child can do to a parent is make them feel hurt and anger more than they feel their love at a point in time. But the love is there behind it all. Always resurfacing like the sun after the worst storms. That is our love.
Our love is haunting.. Painful at times. Loneliness for the partner physically far away, the two souls forever embracing, crave the reunion of the flesh to again enjoy the touch of each other.
Our love has a life of its own. Indestructible by man, torturous when not obeyed and determined to have its agenda met. It is as if a parasite was living within, and overtaking all will and logic, morality, and thriving on emotion. How can we even begin to describe what we cannot fully comprehend, but so strongly feel and are guided by. Like a log awash in a flood, we reel down this canyon and go where the water takes us.
At times during my life peace has been at my fingertips. A chance to be loved in a way that I know nothing I could do or say could destroy it.. It is what I have needed since the day I was born. And again I face millennia standing alone with an ache in my heart. All of my life, I have wanted to belong to someone.
So as the crippling continues, I look again to the ocean to heal me.. To bathe me and maybe even allow some healing of all kinds. Warm water and salty air, children laughing and a pelican hunting for the fish that is just a bit too slow. I drift on the wave tops, dozing and slowly the ocean that I have loved and craved so many times in my life gently takes me off, unnoticed by the people frolicking mindlessly on the waters edge. As I swallow the briny acrid water and will myself to sink, I know that the loneliness will be forever banished, but the love I feel will live on. I know that her heart will always be adrift in the currents of my love.
My god has other roads for me to travel….I hope yours are gentle and always smell of honeysuckle in the gentle breezes of your life….