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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : November 2006 : "I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!!!"

"I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!!!"

It began as an email.

Two different people communicating over the internet. A chance encounter. Hopefully connecting with someone honest and not a game player. Some one that could be a confidante, an intellectual equal, and a person of spirit.
The least I hope to come out of any new contact is a friendship. Nothing else.. If something else were to occur, well that would be fine. But only twice in 50+ years has the real thing come along. So I take most things in stride and take it slowly. I do not fall in love.. It never happens for me.. Twice I have had the feeling and each time it did not grow it rushed in like the wind before a hurricane and overtook me.. I was set upon before I knew what happened.
I do believe that everyone has good within them and I do believe that people would not hurt other intentionally. It is said that if you cannot say anything good, to keep your mouth shut.. Unfortunately that at times can be worse than saying anything..

What a nice email after just a short one to break the ice between us. And the ending was so sweet. I thought that I had a real nice, real person here.. One that was genuine.. I replied with some questions and some information about me. But not the warmth that she was already exhibiting.. I do like warm people.. I read the line again after I sent it off "I would like to see where this goes and if nothing else ... would love to have you as my friend"

Her next letter contained some very personal revelations about her and her family. I felt so honored that she opened up. I will include the ending to further my point -

Now I write a lot of people.. Prisoners that always tell me they love me. Troubled people that sometimes tell me they care. Some who hear my story want to mother and nurture me.. And I am very straightforward and honest.. I do not lead people on, I do not need any ego trips at other peoples expense. Nor do I need excess pain that rejection can cause. If there comes a point where someone is no longer interested, I expect the honesty and respect that I afford them.

Remember the warmth of the following?

It is getting late so think I will close this for now but remember you are in my
thoughts ... if that is okay with you?

Feeling a bit uncomfortable at what I thought was a bit of a fast pace - I replied with the following:

I am flattered. Thank you. But there is much we have left to discover about each other.. And most consider me a bad risk as far as anything more than friendship goes.. I am disabled.. .well that was the site right? LOL.. And I am attaching the gist of my story.. I guess it needs to be updated.. But have not had it on the net for a while.. This may scare you off!! And I wonder what thoughts you will have then!! LOL The story of me is HERE.

Oh by the way she found me at a disabled site.. Anyway what I attached was the story of how I came to be in the state that I am up until mid 2002. I have been lazy and not updated it. But am in a better state than where it left me.

The response I received from her - well I am usually a pretty good judge of character and I expected some questions, and some fear. That is the norm for the genuine people I find on the net.

The majority of the people though out here are not the norm. Many are hiding their own problems and inadequacies. Some are desperate. Some resigned to existing in a bad situation. I have run into so much sadness and obscure life events, but never have I shunned anyone for what they are. I am a caring and very feeling person -someone that aches for others in pain. I am lucky that I have not lost that. And I consider it my greatest trait.

Silence in response to my honestly is a judgment by anyone I share my story with. Their silence says.. "you are not worthy, you are not good enough for me." It hurts. I already have enough of my own hatred for the physical me. I feel ashamed when this occurs. Remember that I share the story of me immediately when I think there may be more than friendship offered, to allow people to have her feelings in check. I never want anyone to feel led on; to have emotions and then feel like I hid anything from them.

I am what I am. I do not like it, but I have to live with it. I cannot change one thing.

As to how Shirley replied.. If her kids were disabled, they probably would have been orphans.

Life isn't fair, these words I have written just before this may be harsh.. But if we do not treat EVERYONE with respect and honestly, then we have no reason to think others should do the same of us.. I do believe that we reap what we sow in human interactions.
I know that I do not need anyone else to make me feel like the current day elephant man.. I can do that well enough for myself.. My body and walk may be spastic, but my heart is as good as anyone else's out there.

And my determination to make my dreams come true, probable more.

I can excuse the little kids who stare at me as I walk by with my cane.. But I cannot excuse someone who portrays themselves as warm and caring..

Her silence says that to her, I am not even friendship material..

I think she is wrong..

I am sorry for her that she threw away the chance to know the person that I am. For my friends know - I am their biggest ally, strongest support, and the one person that will honestly challenge them to be the happiest and best that they can be.

"'Tis true my form is something odd,
but blaming me is blaming god.
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
Was I so tall, could reach the pole,
or grasp the ocean with a span;
I would be measured by the soul.
The mind's the standard of the man."
-Joseph Carey Merrick
The Elephant Man