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DaRk AnGel : Why Home : April 2007 : Old Man....

Old Man....

Acceptance…

Is it giving up?
Is it losing hope?
Accepting the way things are…. Why?

That sounds like things are not as one would like them to be, but has simply said this is the best I can do.. Or I am defeated….

I once told someone I loved that she smelled of defeat.. And how things change. I am a stranger to who I was 10 months ago. I smell of defeat.

I am getting to not mind the smell.

And my mind says - get up and do it… You can…. But my spirit says why bother…
Who cares? What difference will it make anyway?

All of a sudden I am old, unmotivated, hopeless, and without a prayer to recite.

It was like I woke up this way.. Last June, when I saw the pictures, overnight I became, old, worn, tired… Selfish… And how was I to know that in the months since them things would only get worse?

I have had miracles in my life. And if I ever needed one, I need it now. Otherwise
Sunsets will simply be another day wasted. I have the dogs… And I have one more promise to fulfill….

My will is ready. The dogs are take care of. My money is allocated to my high school and the SPCA. I am ready to meet god.

There is comfort in knowing, it is over….
When I Say it is over….

I have had a good life. Even with all the dysfunction in it.. I have done things many would never dreamt of doing. I have had adventures and excitement galore. And I have love with such intensity and depth that it surprised even me. It was all fleeting, come and gone… like life.

I have always wanted love. But I am unlovable now. Now I don't want it. I become more and more of a hermit. The vultures have picked my bones clean, and I have nothing more..

Time for a drink. Time to toast another year down. Time to scold myself for canceling my taking myself out to dinner tomorrow. All part of the withdrawal.. And preparation… I want to feel nothing when my final act is played out.

I accept my mortality. Last night I was given my legacy. And I felt good, peace, and appreciated.. Until I convinced myself it was all bullshit.

There is so much left that I can do and want to do, yet there is so much I cannot do for the physical limitations.

Pardon these thoughts and useless ramblings.. Sometimes I just write and put things up

So that people know I exist…..or existed.